The SPG Life

Dance Floor Breakthrough

2011-10-28T17:41:00.001-07:00

And as we danced to the music, I felt my body filled with the beat of the music, moving to the rhythm and the beat, moving with her rhythm. I'd never felt so open and free and embodied in a club before. We were probably the only people on the floor for a good half hour and I was completely in that moment, in the music. It felt so relaxed, my hips and body seemed to ride the waves of the music. A completely different experience of dancing than I'd ever enjoyed before.

Of course, it had been years since I'd been on the dance floor. Before the breakthroughs. Before finding Destin Gerek. Before really finding myself. And all this time, I'd never actually gone back to that situation and felt the difference. But I sure felt it now!

I could see people looking at us, and I was connecting in such an open, relaxed, sexy way. I was flirting with my eyes, totally in my element – and a dance floor has NEVER been my element! And especially the only one out there. And me dancing with someone who wasn't my wife and I just didn't care.

This was the most fun I'd had dancing… ever… by a long shot!

All the usual feelings in a club – nervousness, looking around, self-consciousness, neediness, fear – gone. Now I was inspiring others to come out of their shell. I was embodied, in the moment, flirting, I was the center of attention, not because I'm a great dancer but because I was 100% myself and exuding awesome energy.

And in that moment, it dawned on me – this is what I was missing in my life. I've been doing all this stuff to create new energy and NOTHING to get into alignment to express that energy. I want to flirt, I want to connect, I want to play, I want to… dance! And dance I did!

And somewhere on that floor, I experienced a shift, because in that moment I connected with the life I want. I found that flow of energy that is mine. And I'd been standing on the shore, getting good at being really fucking ready, but not getting in the river and experiencing the flow.

And oh, how I've changed! I could've owned that club. Sure, I still don't know what the fuck to say, but neither does anyone else, so just exude good energy, engage in that awesome flirty eye contact, dance, touch and say whatever, nobody's even paying attention to the 7% that's words when the rest of your 93% is rocking.

I knew it, I had already "got it" and had that shift, but MAN, it sure felt good to EXPERIENCE that "getting it." Okay, this is good. Some might say I'm wrong for what I did, but this was right. I finally stopped cheating on myself, and that reunion feels… awesome!!!

It’s Friday!

2011-07-22T15:07:00.001-07:00

I'm ready for a blow job, a beer and a nap.

Simple Pleasures

2011-07-07T08:56:00.001-07:00

Few things in life are as exquisite as being in the presence of a beautiful woman, feeling and savoring that connection and energy. It's that place where you're just going on feeling and in the beautiful flow. All that self-consciousness and "thinking what to do" crap flies out the window and it's just you and her connecting and riding this moment. It's a beautiful place to be.

When You Stop Looking, It Comes to You

2011-06-23T12:23:00.001-07:00

I'm loving this. Just holding my hands together in Namaste is now my grounding and evolutionary meditation practice. I'll sit here at my desk and do a quick grounding and feel that energy. I'm welcoming that masculine energy, that growing and deepening strength and relaxed presence.

I'm feeling that energy growing after I penned that post. Yesterday at lunch, the girls there were totally vibing – I could feel the energy in the room elevate just from my being there. Then later, I get a really good review and a raise. I keep integrating the energy. This is who I am. This is the life I live as a powerful man standing fully in his energy. Last night my wife could totally feel this shift, she's relaxing in my presence, it's actually healing her brutal cold.

Yesterday morning I could feel the beginning of that nasty cold that's been going around the office settling in. This energy seems to have stopped it in its tracks. I feel really good today and thinking that box of Kleenex I brought in is going to waste.

This morning I'm feeling awesome on the train, connecting with everyone. That Metro ride can be hairball – it gets seedy characters and a lot of the passengers have rough lives, but I could visibly see that my presence was giving comfort to the passengers around me. I kept bringing awareness to this, more and more. This is the life I live as a powerful man standing fully in his energy.

And what an energy! I keep doing little "Namaste Hands Meditation," just to feel that energy. And I bring awareness to moving it to other parts of my body – my eyes, my hips.

Then in the break room, hot Asian coworker goes out of her way to compliment my jeans. "Those jeans look really good on you. Wow. Yah, really good." I've been wearing these jeans for a while. I had my intention on getting a different pair. Interesting. This is my life, this is my energy, and this is only the beginning.

Musings: “Self-Improvement Addiction,” A Powerful Masculine Touch

2011-06-22T10:57:00.001-07:00

The past couple months I've been feeling a profound deepening in my evolution. I've transitioned to solidness and calmness in my presence. And this has led to much stronger and more relaxed connections. I'm connected to my strong, attractive core. There's still some anxiety and limiting beliefs I'm releasing on, but the energy is so strong and positive now, it feels amazing.

I've placed more attention on my true passion of fiction writing and I've connected with that inspiration and joy of creativity. I'm stepping powerfully into erotic writing and that's serving as the nexus between my personal evolution and my creative path, the intersection of my erotic, masculine evolution and my creative purpose. This has been a source of energy and growth for me – my second chakra is glowing, radiating.

I've been challenging a lot of established patterns in my life, particularly my relationship to "inner game" and all the self-improvement stuff out there. I've been on a lot of mailing lists, read a lot of emails from "gurus," and I don't feel it's serving me well anymore. For me, all of these "make yourself better" things were feeding into a belief that something was wrong with me that needed to be "fixed" before I could go out and take action. I needed something to get to the place where I could feel strong, powerful, sexy, relaxed, fulfilled.

Later I began using them as a way to gain insight into better Internet marketing. And "maybe I'll get something useful" out of this. So I gave all this up, got myself off the marketing mail lists and deleted the emails. I'm far from perfect, but I really don't need this shit. It's felt good letting all that go.

As I let go of the "self- improvement addiction," I gave myself those things I was looking for in a more powerful way. And I welcomed my "imperfections" without judgment. It led me to question the energy I'd been putting into helping others, especially since I was getting so much out of my fiction writing. Was this even on my path anymore?

I came to the truth that it is a part of my life path, but not as a goal unto itself. My evolutionary insight is a byproduct of my following my true path. In other words, when I let go of "doing self-improvement" and focus my energies on being where I want to be, doing what I want to do, the breakthroughs and epiphanies happen – and I love sharing those insights and breakthroughs.

So that's where I'm at. I'm realizing I'm less the teacher and more the careful observer of my own life's journey, sharing highlights of my journey and life lessons along the way, contributing to the body of knowledge for the benefit of others. Sometimes I get enough good shit together to make a book, sometimes it's an article. But in every case, it only occurs when I'm on a bigger path.

So what's the latest "byproduct?" I was at the gym, totally in my center, feeling very relaxed and powerful. I pressed my hands together - think Namaste, but a lot more pressure, as it was actually a wrist exercise – and felt this warm, strong energy in my hands, a sense of warmth and solidness.

Have you ever had a man who was really solid and commanded respect put his hand on you? A father or grandfather, or some strong authority figure? There's something just in feeling the way they touch with their hands that gives you a feeling of calm and security. It's a touch that's powerfully reassuring and inspiring. It feels really good to receive that touch, and I think every man either has a man in his life who gave him that connection or craves that masculine strength and energy. And here it was, I was feeling that awesome touch – and it was me!

And it was powerful. I wasn't suddenly "Mr. Perfectly Awesome Man," I have my fuckups, but after that, it felt like, yah, I've got this shit I'm working on, but they're not that big of a deal. Even with these imperfections, I can give this powerful touch to other people, and myself. I can reassure and inspire myself in a way that wasn't possible before that moment.

I've been playing a lot with that since then – healing my chakras with my hands, pressing my hands together, drawing strength from that touch, finding ways to touch others physically with that intention and that energy. The last part is still a work-in-process, but as far as inner strength and self-assurance, it's been powerful.

The thing is, I didn't "do" anything to discover that feeling, I just noticed it. Was it always there and now I'm open to it? Were there other shifts that happened that opened up this pathway? Was I just finally ready to step into this role? I don't know. What I do know is it's a whole new level of energy and awareness. I'm going to continue to develop this awareness and see where it leads.

Getting Real – And a Decision to Keep Blogging

2011-05-27T09:53:00.001-07:00

A lot of shifts and a lot of questions. I've given some thought to ditching the old blogging entirely and focusing my energy on the literary blog and getting real with myself and what I want to be doing in my life. Instead, for now, I'll write from where I'm at.

I've been looking back on this year with a mixture of satisfaction and disappointment. In some respects, I have grown more deeply into my true purpose than ever, and as a result I'm seeing more clearly the glaringly inauthentic parts of my life.

This year so far I've spent a lot of time being busy with my job at certain periods, and struggling with painful stretches of downtime at other periods. I have felt uneasy and unstable in my career for years and I really crave to feel some sense of stability in this area. On the other hand, I'm realizing more and more this career field is not aligned with who I am and where I can make the biggest contribution. And the commute, while somewhat helpful for my writing endeavors, is wholly incongruent with my authentic self.

I love the company I work at, but if I wasn't obligated with child support and household expenses, I wouldn't be in this career field. Aside from work, my time has almost entirely been either doing family stuff, dealing with the needs of my oldest son, who has experienced a lot of health and emotional issues this year, catching up on my exercise, catching up on my meditation, or being too tired and in a funk to do anything because of the commute and having to live in a "morning person" household.

A lot of my time at work has been spent in escapism – surfing the Internet, which has become an addiction I'm committed to breaking. I haven't wanted to face the realities – the ennui, the uncertainty, the uncomfortable realization that I need to change careers but can't figure out how to do it without ending up homeless on the street and neglecting my kids. For a while, I was passing the down time with writing, which is positive, and I'm doing that, but being here with everyone around (I have zero personal space here at the office) makes writing difficult. And I've experienced blocks, likely for the same reasons listed above, the challenge of facing my reality. Also, being a walking zombie really saps my creativity.

One aspect that has blossomed this year is my writing. I've reconnected with my passion for fiction writing and poetry, and with my erotic awakening, dived into erotic writing and bringing sexuality into all aspects of my writing. It feels good to dive into fictional writing – I love it, and it's been empowering. From my writing, I've become more sexually and personally open and strong. I'm connected to my purpose and my cock, which is a great place to be. I see this being a big avenue for me, and it's truly my passion.

As I've grown into this passion, I'm seeing where I've been escaping in my life. I'd escaped into politics earlier on – politics and a lame relationship. Then I escaped into "pick-up" and this notion that I needed to "fix myself," which transformed into this "evolution" aspect. Now, growth is great, but this has been an escape for me. It's been mental masturbation, it's been a distraction, and it's allowed me to avoid facing my truth.

But here it gets tricky. My first inclination is to go cold-turkey off all the "evolution" and "PUA" stuff, to divorce myself from this "I need to learn something to be happy" hamster wheel and free up those resources to take meaningful action in my life. On the other hand, I've gained some very useful resources through this endeavor and I see a lot of value in sharing my story. So I'm meditating on this. I'm leaning toward "dump all the email and commercial crap." No more "inner game" stuff, or "learn this new technique" or any of that junk. Use the tools that work for me, really simplify, and focus on taking positive action, real action, doing what I want, being in alignment with who I am and what I want. And write about it, as I love to do anyway.

But the key here is dumping all the distractions, mental masturbation, negative thinking, commercial solicitations and unhelpful "inner game" junk. Get off the hamster wheel and take positive steps. Face those fears, which seem to boil down to a fear of really facing who I am and the life I'm living, a fear that being in the present will be unbearable and I'll be faced with the hopelessness of discovering I'm a complete loser in life.

The good news is I have a lot of resources to handle this transition, to end the addictions to bullshit in my life. In fact, I've got a really good book, and I'd do well to follow my own good advice ;-)

I'm getting real. And it's really different. Enjoy my journey.

My Erotic Blog

2011-05-19T12:01:00.001-07:00

Come check out my newest blog focused on my erotic writing. I'm breaking down my barriers and expanding my sexuality, as well as my writing. You'll find poetry, journals and links to erotic literature I'll be publishing soon. Enjoy!

www.shadowseabourne.blogspot.com

Stream of Consciousness, Going Through A Shift

2011-05-13T16:19:00.001-07:00

I feel a vertigo, a thickness and heaviness in my head as I feel myself shifting away from this ego world. Everything is changing in me as I embrace the reality.

I shift between worrying about my job, wanting to contribute more, worrying that I'm going to fail like before, to feeling that none of this is real – whether I'm doing my job, or walk away, or sit here writing one of my books, it's all the same. For the first time I can remember, I feel the shift between feeling powerless in my career and the reality of choice, and knowing I can never go back to that "comfort zone" of feeling powerless in my work.

I shift between the social matrix and an energetic way of living that feels so foreign to me I don't even have a reference point. But I know that energetic model is real, even if I am not yet able to fully absorb it. All of the old ways of being – how I've been relating, my motivation for connecting, how I connect, down to my very emotions, seem to be coming apart at a molecular level. Everything in my world is disintegrating completely and there is some "real" model emerging.

It's this realignment of connection and of detachment. Like all the ways I've been connecting my identity to people or things are breaking away and new connections are forming. I've felt myself breaking away from my wife, from my long-distance girlfriend, from women, from my job, from my identity, from every attachment. And I feel new pathways of connection, energetic pathways apart from the old ways.

Even my relationship with myself and my past is shifting.

Part of me wants to leave everything behind, and part of me wants to leave even that desire behind. I'm feeling these moments of acceptance that remind me of when I was under sedation, except I'm wide awake. And I shift between this and the old way, but I seem to be moving further and further from the old way. I feel this total freedom and peace. I feel like I could let go of everything.

Do I even want to blog?

What will it be like tomorrow when I've gone even further into this? And Sunday? Will I even recognize myself? Will I care?

It's too much trouble to think about the past or the future.

It's a big release. Part of me wants to fall asleep at my desk.

I have zero interest in communicating at all with that long-distance person. It seems like such a boring waste of time now. So does worrying about all the issues with my wife. The girl who was leaning into me on the train yesterday felt really good. That felt real. And I see that energy all around me, I feel it. And when I'm here, all that anxiety seems boring and pointless. Fantasizing seems like too much work. Worrying seems pointless.

Finding My Path: Fully Bitten by the Writing Bug

2011-04-28T17:11:00.001-07:00

I wrote earlier about how I've been percolating as I've rediscovered my passion for fiction writing. It's only gotten worse. I'm working on two major projects right now, one I'm doing on the train and one (gasp) at work.

It's kind of crazy. The time flies when I write, more and more things keep coming up that I want to include, story ideas, subplots.

The more I'm diving into this writing, the more solid I'm feeling, a rock-solid confidence in myself that I hadn't experienced… ever! Gone is that unhealthy attachment to my wife, the obsessing over her past or getting upset because I'm feeling "short-changed." Instead, I'm just solid in myself.

And I'm feeling so solid and sexy out in the world. This total peace and confidence.

I've been expanding my sexual writing, bringing sexuality into my novel writing and into my poetry. I'm going to start utilizing a pen name for my erotic writings so I have a platform to explore this area of expression, without my kids and certain other people having to deal with it.

The sexual writing has opened up access to my sexy core. It's deepened my presence and attractiveness in the world. Sometimes the writing leaves my body tingling, so alive and turned on.

I'm having to remind myself to focus on my work, it's so easy to get carried away with the writing, it feels so good. But this is my path. Eventually it'll be my career as well, and it's my pathway to expansion in so many other areas of my life. The more I free myself and let my imagination flow, the better it gets.

Why did I give this up for so long??

2011-04-28T11:00:00.001-07:00

I want to be the one you never forget.

I want you to feel all of me

My chest expanding, my breath filling every bit of my body,

Tingling energy gushing up my spine,

Cascading over my head

My heart glowing – fiery, radiant, magnetic,

Drawing me into you, deeper and deeper,

Drawing you to me,

Drawing you to come forth for me,

Drawing your body into waves

Of pulsating pinnacle pleasure,

Continuously

I want to feel all of you

Opening up – your heart, your soul, your pussy -

To see you fully fucked into your goddess

Riding a wave of ecstasy,

Radiant, blissful, passionate,

Tingling, electric, continual

Orgasmic current

Flowing, cresting, expanding,

Surrendering into pleasure

As you're being fucked by me.

It turns me on

To think of people watching us

Getting aroused

At the sight of us

Having this earth-trembling sex.

And years later, you will awake

In the middle of the night,

Panting,

Reliving that our moment

As if it were happening right then

So vividly, so intensely,

You're experiencing the best sex of your life,

Once again

Just from me in your memory.

Ovulation

2011-04-26T15:12:00.001-07:00

You're feeling your egg drop

Feeling fertile, radiant, lustful, exuding desire,

Pregnant with thoughts of me

Penetrating you, filling you up

Filling you that final inch,

Thoughts of you being ravished, taken,

Being filled with me, fertilized by me,

Thoughts of carrying my child

As you ride him,

Fully surrendered to your thoughts of me,

Feeling like it's me in you,

Coming with him like it's me in you,

Wishing I was all the way deep in you,

Growing, gestating inside you,

Inside your pregnant thoughts.

Springtime sensations, snake-like sliding my spine,

Twisting tingling tantalizing

Pleasure pulsating powerfully

Up my body,

Saturating my mind

With thoughts of you

Imagining me impregnating you,

Craving my seed.

Fertile lust driving you

In your car coming continually

Your orgasms rippling through the phone

In waves as you hear my voice,

Impregnating your imagination

With images of me

Taking you, penetrating you,

Claiming you, filling you,

Ravishing you,

Multiplying your orgasms,

Multiplying your thoughts,

Birthing a new, more powerful desire

Created from our connection.

Picturing

2011-04-25T17:33:00.001-07:00

Picturing you in your picture

Just you in a pair of tiny white briefs

Standing in front of the shower

Knowing you wish I could be there,

Sliding my thumbs into the top of your panties,

Sliding them off you,

Wanting me to pull you into the shower,

Warm water flowing over our naked bodies

As I life your small, slender body over my hips,

Sliding you down onto me

While I stand in the shower,

Your arms around my neck,

Your legs gripping my waist,

My hands holding you, easing you down,

Over me,

Imagining you, imagining me

As you pose for your picture

Sent to my phone.

Picturing me

My body naked, aroused,

Imagining you as I penetrate,

Picturing me, watching me come,

Watching my body come,

Flowing through my body,

But not finishing,

Just coming, picturing that pleasure

Of me, imagining you,

And then continuing my thrusts,

Deep, even, imagining you,

You picturing me,

Imagining you and me

As I act out my video scene

Sent to your phone.

Picturing you imagining me taking you

Picturing me imagining you being penetrated,

Pleasing me…

So delightfully frustrating.

Percolating

2011-04-21T13:11:00.001-07:00

When I last updated, I was releasing the crap from moving all my wife's… crap… and processing an email I got that clarified my true purpose – to write literature.

Since then, I've been percolating. I got the download for two novels I wrote in my early twenties, a lifetime ago. They're not bad. Still need some editing, but now I have a "soft copy." I've been playing with these at work. On the train, I pulled up another old story I got halfway through a couple years ago and kind of put aside. Now I have new direction on this. I had to pull it off a memory stick.

With one of them, I already began a major rewrite. The other day I was up all night, thoughts coming about ways to twist the story – really good ideas – one after the other. It was intense. Composers say they hear music all the time, and it's kind of like that, except story ideas, or subplots, or resolutions to sticking points. And they kept coming – this story, that story, this idea, that idea. It's like I'm in a zone, just brainstorming away.

Of course, I wanted to sleep, so I wasn't up at the computer getting all this stuff down. I remembered most of it.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that Destin's email that the book project is on hold was my invitation to fully embrace the writing I truly want to do. That doesn't mean I've let go of nonfiction. I see a place for that in my life. But my expression, my true expression, is fiction.

And lately I've been feeling this opening, a real heartfelt drive to create really awesome erotic writing, to bring unapologetic, full-hearted eroticism into my novels. And I'm seeing how that element of sex, which was missing, isn't candy, but brings depth and power to my writing.

And some of that sexy writing has made its way to this blog… with more to follow…

Everything is coming together. My purpose is becoming very clear. And as I dive into this writing, I feel a deepening sense of confidence and a sexy grounded feeling. I feel at peace with myself and with the feminine around me. I feel attractive, I feel so much more positive and peaceful and joyful in sex, in thinking of sex. Not just having good sex, but having sex that is good, good for me, empowering, relaxing – all good.

And this week more than ever, I felt Kundalini rising up my spine as I enjoyed my erotic self-exploration, or during phone sex. Beautiful Kundalini, that energy, and blissful full-body orgasms like I'd never felt before. I'd been feeling like my "male multiple orgasms" had been slacking these past several months, but these past few weeks – better than ever!

And now I'm feeling a crisis with my work. I can't pretend this job, this career path, is working for me. It's about paying the bills. But that's not good enough. I've crossed over, and there's no settling. And I'm surrendering to that truth, letting things unfold as they will, trusting the universe. It's making for some crazy evenings as these thoughts and feelings all fly around my head, along with all the ideas coming up.

It's all coming together like this for a reason. The brainstorming, the Kundalini, facing the truth about my work and about my writing projects, and about the crap I had to deal with regarding my wife's stuff. I'm Percolating.

Ode To the Crap My Wife Won’t Throw Away

2011-04-13T17:18:00.001-07:00

Pieces of paper, things you refuse

To ever dispose, or file, or use

They sit on a table for you to ignore

Bank receipts, love notes, junk mail and more

Magazines, gas bills, receipts from the mall

Piled up on the table until they start to fall

On the floor. And then do you decide

To take care of it? No, instead you hide

The stuff in grocery bags or dump in a drawer.

And don't bother asking what you keep the stuff for

You couldn't reply because you haven't a clue

If the stuff in these piles are worth something to you

You never look through them, just pile up more

Till you fill up your desk, and every drawer.

And then, at that point, when all spaces are filled

With nothing but crap, at that point will

You finally go through all of this junk,

Take what's important, throw out the bunk?

Of course not. That's when you go to the store

And buy up big bins so that you can store

Your crap in the garage, never to be touched

By the eyes of man, until there is too much

Of the boxes around, these boxes of whatever

Letters, cards, bills, mail – stuff that will never

Be preserved, or treasured or even gazed upon,

Much less sent to the landfill where they belong

Or burned in a bonfire that leaps up to the sky

Now that's a vision enough to make me cry

Tears of joy, thinking of watching this shit

Being sent straight to hell, but knowing that it

Has about as much chance of taking place in this life

As your lame ex boyfriends have of getting a supermodel wife.

...you saved their pictures, cards and letters, too,

There scattered amongst those giant piles of poo

That I'm straining my back to move to their next place

Which, tragically, happens to be my storage space!

Yah, that's right, fuck me, fuck me like a slut,

Turn those boxes sideways and shove them up my butt.

Because if I get sick of the packrat shit, and really had enough

And, God forbid, I throw stuff out – now I'm violating your stuff!

So I am now the owner of your steaming piles of poo,

Because I decided to say "I do,"

So fuck me, fuck me, up the ass, until I split in two.

So here I am, stuck in this craptacular life

Living and breathing amongst piles of shit, thanks to my stupid wife

And things will crap along like this for maybe years or more

But there will come a time when I can't take it anymore

And at that time, on my way out, I'll have these words to say:

"If you want to keep a man, then next time, THROW YOUR SHIT AWAY!!"

Think Off

2011-04-13T15:19:00.001-07:00

Just from my voice, just from reading my words,

You can feel me, touching you, down there,

Feeling my touch from my words,

Feeling penetrated by my voice,

Feeling stroked by the energy of my words,

Feeling aroused from the sounds of my desire,

Surrendering completely to my voice, my words,

Letting yourself be fucked completely

By my voice, by my moans, by my words.

Surrendering to the power of my voice, under my command.

How you love feeling held by my voice,

Being overcome by the power of my words,

Led into pleasure by the force of my moans,

How you love being taken by my energy.

Looking forward to hearing me, from far away,

Like I am here with you

Touching you, holding you, fucking you,

Waiting to hear my voice, or read my words,

Aching to be led into ecstasy

Just from my energy,

Wanting that power to overtake you.

A power that defies distance and logic,

A power that takes hold of

Your mind, your heart, your pussy

A power to fuck you with only energy

A power that commands you to come for me

A power that has you surrender

And you surrender to that power

That energy from the cosmos

Touching you at the sound of my voice,

At my words, from my energy I send

A feel yourself penetrated deeply, fully,

Feeling yourself fucked every last inch

From the energy I'm sending at my command,

Deep, dark, raw, primal, blissful masculine energy

Penetrating you, radiating through you

Lighting every part of you

Until you release into orgasmic bliss

At my command

Completely fucked without being touched,

Filled with an energy that transcends space and time,

A whole new divine dimension of sexuality.

Feeling that powerful energy

Returning to its source

As I bring it back,

Thousands of miles away,

Leaving you smoldering for me,

Like I had been right there with you,

Leaving you anticipating the next time

You'll hear me, read my words, feel that power.

Breakthroughs… and Sticking Points

2011-04-13T09:44:00.001-07:00

So yesterday, full of awesome energy from my new "Natural Grounding" breakthrough, I'm on the train, smiling – not even realizing I'm grinning. This beautiful woman behind me says "You have such an amazing smile, I just want to smile with you." It was literally the first time anybody's spoken to me on that train except to say "excuse me." I was kind of caught off-guard – you mean you can talk to people on these things? There was a little chit-chat and some seats open up, and her girlfriends grab them, she starts walking toward the open seats then turns and looks back. She says to her friends "I don't know if I want to sit. I want to keep talking to that cute guy."

When I'm just being in this state, I just attract women. Of course, I'm not in a place to make anything happen from those interactions, but it feels good to know – yes – this is me connected to my masculine core, my sexiness. And I know there's a lot more of this coming.

Aaaahh… then there's the psychic dead weight, my attachment to my wife. I send sexy messages to her and get… nothing. And it's a beautiful day, I just had grrrreat phone sex, I did some power yoga, had a great meditation and grounding, everything's clicking and… I'm letting this woman's actions bum me out. Instead of enjoying myself and my day, I'm feeling disappointed and angry. Just another example of how our minds tend to filter out the abundance and focus on the lack. It's an opportunity for more release and growth… but it sure would be nice to have a wife who desired me the way it seems like every other woman in the world EXCEPT my wife desires me. If she were someone I was dating and she were being like this, I'd just let her go and think nothing of it. Come to think of it… that's never really happened, at least not with the women I've been sexual with.

Natural Grounding, Take Two: Blown. Away.

2011-04-12T16:04:00.001-07:00

I've been curious, since I started having these real breakthroughs and creating all this transformation, presence and "inner game" success in my life, what would it be like to go back and revisit some of the "old stuff" that didn't stick so well. An opportunity came this week in the form of an eBook sent to me.

A couple years ago, in the midst of some very stressful things going on in my life, I came across something called "Natural Grounding," a meditative practice which helps you connect to your natural polarity by meditating on images of the opposite polarity, namely women in a natural, open, radiant state. Rion, the guru behind this, has a whole system on this, video suggestions and a support network for guys who are trying it.

At the time, I did find some shifts from meditating on the videos, but I was so caught up in my ego-based problems every shift was temporary and I remained in a sea of anxiety and unhappiness. The one thing that did happen was I learned to appreciate the Thai singer Palmy and a few of her songs found their way to my iPod playlist.

After my huge breakthroughs over the past year and a half, I had pretty much left "Natural Grounding" in the dust heap of "failed evolution systems" and thought nothing more of it. Then I get a random email from Rion's auto email about his new book and something calls me to check it out. You can find that book here:

http://www.holisticawakening.com/

It appears Rion has been going through his own journey and arrived at many of the same conclusions I've come to regarding the holistic approach to personal evolution. The one piece he has that I don't is "Natural Grounding." So I pulled up a You Tube video he suggested, got totally present with it and… BAM… total connection and total release. Now, granted, I'd been doing a lot of releasing lately… a LOT. Kind of "spring cleaning" on the psychic BS in my life. But even so, just a few minutes of being present with the video created a giant opening.

I started feeling kriyas, jolts of energy or little convulsions that people in Tantric circles report when experiencing energy opening. I did some EFT tapping and just let go of this stuck energy that had been causing pain and tension around my heart for a year – woosh, gone.

And it was because I was now open and able to be in presence with this, that I could absorb the benefits of the meditative practice, that it worked. It's interesting the other aspects Rion is working on – subtle energy and male multiple orgasms, been doing that, emotional connection, spiritual connection, I've been working on these as well.

I feel that "Natural Grounding" is worthwhile, but as Rion discovered, it really only works after one gets some other things cleared out. Then It pops right in and can be powerfully effective as part of a meditative practice. I was really blown away today by this.

For those who have purchased my book, grab Rion's ebook and add some "Natural Grounding" to your work. For those who haven't… um, first buy my book and start your transformation process. Then grab Rion's book and start in on "Natural Grounding." Whether you're single on in a relationship, it will powerfully reframe and realign your relationship to the feminine and to your sexual power, and it'll clear shit out in many other aspects in your life as well.

It's not often that I stumble across something that after five minutes I can say changed my life and be 100% confident it will change yours, too, if you can properly integrate it, so I *strongly* recommend you take advantage of this offering.

Namaste.

Think-Off from Thousands of Miles Away

2011-04-12T09:56:00.001-07:00

I've come to a place of gratitude over my cross country "non-relationship relationship." The things we've enjoyed together, all thousands of miles apart, have been amazing. It's a whole different sex life – the one I should be having.

I've been so terribly disappointed with the sex life in my marriage – it's been so one-dimensional and lacking in real energy. I blamed myself because, well, that's what the "experts" would say is the problem. Despite the fact that I had a lot of fantastic sex with other women (and my wife, for that matter) even before gaining all this new grounding and confidence and SKILLS, I was seeing myself as a failure. I became obsessed with her exes, with her past sex life, and wondered what I was "doing wrong."

Over time, and with the help of some killer coaching and my own decision to let go, I reconnected with the incredible lover in me and began having an amazing sex life – that's the good news. The not so good news – most of that elevation in my sex life was on my own. Yes, the marital sex was better, and lately there have been some breakthroughs, but still frustratingly "pretty good," and I've been used to "incredible." And all I wanted was to have that with the woman I married!

So I start corresponding with an old friend. We'd never had sex, though we almost did, once. She's married, and on the other side of the country. Our conversations became very sexual and she responded to EVERYTHING. I felt that sexy man inside coming alive in a way it never had – she was responding just to my voice, or my texts, or my emails, and that's all we ever had.

I talked her through phone sex, the first time she had an orgasm over the phone. Soon I was giving her multiple orgasms while taking a ten-minute break at work. Eventually we started having phone sex together, which was even more powerful – and she was having the biggest orgasms ever on HER break, with me, just on the phone.

She's crazy about the sound of my voice. We share fantasies, I can go deep into my erotic writing (which I love). I've even sent her videos of me masturbating, which drive her crazy. And I love the way I look, too. Oh, that feeling of really feeling good about myself as a lover, of being fully desired and appreciated, of fully satisfying a woman. All with NO PHYSICAL CONTACT together!

Now she's getting to the point where she can climax just from thinking about me – without me even talking to her. We've never touched, this is all over the phone and now she's not even touching herself. I'm finally getting to live out the stories I hear from David Shade about "Think Off." And most importantly, I've reconnected with my true self, letting go of that self-doubt and powerfully stepping into the erotic man I am in every way.

I feel confident, I feel a surge of sexual energy, and I feel a deep sense of gratitude for fully connecting with this powerful man, for seeing the truth – that I am a rock star, and getting past the crushing self-doubt that's permeated my marriage. This isn't how I expected things to be going, or the "right way" I had in my mind, but this is what I've needed, and a key step in my journey to being the erotic rock star I desire, and deserve, to be.

Spring Cleaning

2011-04-11T11:32:00.001-07:00

Saturday was a day of massive, deep and extensive cleaning, purging and realigning. In my living environment, I finally faced the physical and psychic toxicity of the garage and my wife's storage unit – two places which housed my things and which I despised visiting. Both have been overflowing with garbage – much of it hers which I couldn't stand, and a lot of it my things that I wanted to put somewhere I could feel comfortable accessing and actually begin using them again.

So last weekend, after over a year of delay, I secured a storage unit with the primary intention of moving my things out of the garage and her storage unit and getting them in a place where I could access them and use them. Second, I wanted to clean out the garage so it was no longer a toxic hell hole, but actually a place that was at least acceptable to visit and store things, where I could easily get the bikes, or a piece of luggage, or the kayak, without dealing with the physical and psychic mess.

Prior to this move, the garage was filthy – overflowing with junk, dirty, and every time I would go in there, I would inevitably find some junk of hers I didn't want to be dealing with. She has a disgusting habit of keeping every little piece of paper, photo, card, letter, email printout, old bills, junk mail – and just piling these things haphazardly into a box, which she would then store in the garage or her storage unit, polluting my space and my belonging.

It seemed every time I would try to get something, like ski clothes, out would pop some toxic junk of hers – an email printout from an ex boyfriend she obsessed over ten years ago, a diary with some writing about how she phone-stalked the same guy. A guy who, by the way, was absolutely NOT a catch – just a lame, old, unattractive, boring motorcycle cop. And yah, it shouldn't make a difference. She's over him, she's happier to be with me, but it would have been nice if the guy was at least a little… attractive? Had something going for him? The fact that she "upgraded" from that guy to me… really isn't saying much, since I don't think any of my other exes would have even dated the guy in the first place, much less lived with him and gotten engaged, to say nothing of her post-breakup obsession.

And she had been over this for a long time, and it was a toxic period in her life… why would she want to commemorate it like this? I would think she'd be at least wanting to let go of the documentation of her psychotic period, but on the other hand, I'm grateful for the information.

And it's not one or two things, or things in boxes, the crap is all over the place. Pictures all over the place – even on her bedroom floor when we were dating (which is seriously uncool), albums under her bed, notes in boxes everywhere, including under her bed, the garage and the storage unit. I was getting tired of having this toxic junk pop out everywhere. It sucks enough that she stores her crap in such a manner, but really, coming across old love letters and pictures every friggin place I'd turn is draining.

And for a long time, I was not good at all with this. I threw things out, I asked her to get rid of things, or at least not have them every place I turn. Her response was always "stop going through my things," but her things were EVERYWHERE, and that's a huge imposition to take up huge swaths of the apartment, garage and storage area with "off-limits things," because she's attached to this toxic crap and doesn't have the decency to at least put the stuff in one place where she can access and I don't have to be exposed to it.

I should add, she's been extremely secretive and dishonest about communicating her past. This is what makes it toxic – she's been unwilling to share, she's been dishonest about what she has shared with me, and then she expects me to tolerate her memories being spewed out all over the place. I'll readily admit that I succumbed to jealousy and deep self-doubt in the face of this stuff, which I'm not proud of, and I did some things that were wrong, but I'll also say, looking back on it now, she had created a very toxic environment that lends itself to bad behavior and insecurity. It also leads to suspicion of her, which is probably warranted.

So Saturday was about getting the junk out – my stuff, her stuff, everything out of the garage. Much of it straight to the garbage bin. The rest to the U-Haul. I was able to let go of some old clothes I didn't need, rediscover some clothes I liked and had forgotten about, get her crap out of my sight and living area, and get the garage back. In the course of clearing out that garage, I discovered two dead rats, both of which had been crushed to death, apparently years ago, crushed under the weight of the crap in the garage. I discovered one the prior weekend, and one Saturday. I believe they were signs, and confirmation of my belief that the stuff was toxic.

The end result was an open, clean, uncluttered garage that's actually enjoyable to use, instead of a rotted hellhole of a place. It felt liberating.

The next step was to go to an hour's journey away to her storage unit and get my stuff out. Unfortunately, my stuff was intermixed with hers, so I had to go through every box – boxes of my things, boxes of her things, all sorts of trash put in boxes. Trash, old pictures, old letters, cards, books, everything just crammed haphazardly into boxes and shoved into a storage unit.

At one point a couple years ago she had told me she went to her storage unit and threw out all her letters and cards from her old boyfriends. I knew she was lying when she first said that, and sure enough, she was. Why would someone lie so obviously about something like this? And so unnecessarily? Again, it speaks to the toxicity of her memories and of her attachment to them. I had good reasons, even if just intuitive, for wanting to get this crap out of my life. So Saturday, I got to be reminded of the toxic crap, and her lies.

And I did go through her things, because I was going to be damn sure I wasn't paying rent on a storage space to house any of this crap. Anything I saw that smacked of this sort of thing was staying in her storage, where it would no longer be polluting my psychic space. And I came across a bunch of crap – pictures, notes, letters, printouts of emails. She kept a pretty detailed paper trail of how she would break into her ex fiance's place, so see if he was seeing anyone, of how she tried to call him years later. And what's interesting about all this is the story she told me was she told him to stop calling her – he wanted to get back together and she told him to leave her alone. Um… but she's creeping around his place… and trying to call him years later… oh, and after we were married she had Zaba Searched him and wrote down his addresses.

So… am I being controlling, insecure, overly intrusive… or do I have a really good reason to be following this trail of evidence? And a good reason to be legitimately concerned, especially since this is the woman who is the mother of my son? I think a lot of people would look at this a think "dude… run! Run!!" The woman has guns, she's a cop. Maybe I am really stupid for staying. But on the other hand, while I think there is a definite cause for concern, my intuition is that she is okay, just a little messed-up, and very concerned about not sharing her vulnerabilities, even if that means not telling the truth about her life.

So I haul out the boxes of my stuff, and a whole lot of her stuff, stuff which I thought wasn't filled with toxic crap, and our camping gear, and ended up filling the U-Haul to the brim with this stuff – probably 70% hers. So I wasn't thrilled with that, either, but at least my stuff was out, I would never have to deal with that again.

It took hours to unload the stuff into the storage unit. Boxes would fall off the cart, boxes fell in the storage unit, it was a mess. Things of hers spilled out and – what a surprise – more toxic memory crap. At this point, I was getting pretty bummed at the never-ending barrage of this stuff, but in the midst of chasing down papers blowing in the wind, I had my release. I could feel myself letting go of my attachment to her and asking myself "what do I want in my life, in my love life, in my world?" And I started letting things go.

I saw pictures of her most recent ex, and I was… a little pissed. The guy was not good looking – goofy-looking, kind of fat, not much of a catch. I look at our latest picture from our anniversary and I know I look really good. I look better than I looked ten years ago, I'm looking really good and getting a good energy to go with it. I would expect a woman who was with guys like that guy, and her ex fiancé, to be really fucking happy to be with me… to really want to enjoy a guy like that… to be all over him. Hell, my other exes were all over me, and most of them had really GOOD looking guys in their past. What the fuck is my wife's problem?

Then again, that release came up. Okay, what do I want? What is the life I want for myself? And just let go of her and what she thinks. I was pissed because, when we were first married, she found out that I had a very brief dating relationship with an ex friend of hers, and she thought I had poor taste in women for dating her – we even went to marriage counseling over this, unbelievable. And it turns out, on the attractiveness scale, at least two of her exes are WORSE looking, CONSIDERABLY worse looking! She was a total hypocrite!! And not a "grey area" hypocrite, seriously I know NONE of my exes, with the exception of my first ex wife, would have given either of these guys even one date.

And again, the release comes up. That's mostly her problem. It's my problem so far as her taste in men might run differently than most women, and perhaps she's "not that into me" as a result; it's my problem so far as I allow it to be my problem by accommodating her behavior regarding her friend I dated for all of a month years before she and I ever met. Other than that, it's not my problem. So I could let go, and again, came back to the "what is it I want?"

And "what is it I want" is not something I've been asking myself much, especially in this relationship with my wife. I've allowed myself to act like a victim – accept things I don't want, accept a boring, unsatisfying, one-dimensional sex life, act insecure and dependent, all because I wasn't stepping up and asking what I wanted – and taking action. I was looking to her for direction and approval. Now I was turning toward myself. And it felt really fucking good.

There was more. I had to throw out a bunch of my son's toys – he isn't over anymore, and I had to let that go. And that hurts, because the reason he isn't over is because of he can't stand his stepmom, and I don't think she likes him either. She's been horrible to me regarding him. It's really sad. And I let that go, too.

I finished packing the stuff and felt the toxins of this relationship releasing. My body ached. My mind and spirit felt heavy, but I was turning around. I returned the truck, went home, swept the garage, cleaned the apartment, and cried. I let it all go. I took a long shower and cried some more – just releasing. Releasing my attachment to my own past, releasing my attachment to her, detoxifying in every way.

I didn't sleep much Saturday night, because of the emotions. I just kept wanting to release more and more. Let out all the toxins from the marriage, from the disappointments regarding my son, from the disappointments in my own life, the attachment to jealousy, the attachment to the victim mentality – letting it all go. And I felt more and more grounded. Sunday I did some power yoga and it felt amazing, more release, and I felt more able to relax and surrender than ever.

Mind Fuck

2011-04-08T17:12:00.001-07:00

It turns me on

The way you think about me

All the time,

How you can't stop yourself

From thinking about me

While you're with him.

Every time you're with him

In your mind, you're fucking me.

That turns me on.

Knowing you're imagining my body,

Picturing my face,

Feeling my lips, my hands on your skin,

Even feeling my cock, my semen

And how picturing me, when you're with him,

Makes you come harder than ever,

Because it's really me you're fucking

In your mind, where it matters.

Knowing you can't help but think of me

Every time

Because it feels too good

When you think of me

Every time

You're with him, you're with me – fucking me

When he's on top, I'm on top of you,

When you're on top, you're riding me,

I'm beside you, I'm behind you,

In every way, every time,

In your mind, where it matters.

I can't feel jealous,

I feel evil, powerful – I'm dominating both of you-

I should feel guilty, but I don't.

Just raw, dark, evil turn-on

Because he is with you, having sex with you,

But you are with me, fucking me,

Blowing your mind, every time

Because of me

In your mind, where it matters.

Being Worshipped

2011-03-29T15:41:00.001-07:00

Worshipping, worshiped,

You kneeling, lips honoring my cock,

Connecting with divine masculine,

Hands exploring, adoring,

Savoring my surrender, my pleasure.

Fingers tracing, massaging my root chakra,

Easing forth red-hot primal energy

With tender, tingling touch.

Loving, licking,

Holding me hard in your mouth,

Hand caressing my scrotum

In full admiration,

Giving completely this moment to me.

Kissing over my stomach,

Lightly, gently,

Your breath, warm and moist, tickling my skin,

As your mouth wanders over my body.

Feeling myself let go, accepting

-I deserve this, I can enjoy this,

The god in me feeling worshipped,

Surging up my back, through the top of my crown,

As you draw your lips around my head

-Connecting. Connected.-

Drawing forth that final rush of release,

Your mouth drinking me in.

I fully let go into love,

Into warm tender satisfaction

Of feeling so adored, so admired, so pleasured,

So fulfilled, feeling fully loved as a man,

Feeling you relishing lavishing your attention,

Taking your time, devoting your energy

In this moment you made for me.

Morning Wood

2011-03-25T17:03:00.001-07:00

Swelling, turgid, hard, round

As I transition from morning sleep

Soft and solid, like the ground,

Firmly connected to somewhere deep

-Primal, earthy, sexy stiff,

Filled and full as I awake,

Silky, smooth, sensitive

In my grasp as I take

A breath, deep into this place

-The man inside- before I face

The wake, the work, the worry, the clock

This moment of me and my morning cock.

Our eyes easing open in cool morning still

You slide toward me and reach your hand

Firmly feeling, finding the long rigid roundness that will

Soon fully fill you with your man

Pulling me to you in clamping grip,

Feeling my want gazing into your eyes,

Rubbing warm moist with tingling tip

Wettening warm hardness, drawing urgent sighs

Tingling rush, sliding, arousing wait

Of lingering tip teasing the gate

Craving, aching to be filled with thick,

Powerful first full thrust from my morning dick.

In afterglow of the pre dawn

The shared explosion rippling on

In the silent space at passion's end

Before routine returns again

Still heightened breath and trailing sighs

Still sensing my filling from inside

And through the day with just a look

We'll remember this moment we took

To savor each other. It feels so good

That we both love my morning wood.

Cory Skyy is Right: Intention Creates Results

2011-03-23T13:10:00.001-07:00

I'm going to tell you again what you hear all the time and probably don't believe, because I didn't really believe it myself: What you put into the world is exactly what you get. I'll share with you some of Cory Skyy's email:

"OK so everyone wants to know how it really works once you develop sexual confidence.

How do you get the girls you want?

Simple Answer: I put the intention out there and let them come to me. Let me tell you about how it recently happened.

A few days ago I was Chilin at home watching a movie and saw a really cute girl brunette with blue eyes, Super Sexy! When I saw this I simply said;

'Ya know what; that's what I want right now. I want a really cute petite brunette with blue eyes.

THAT'S IT!

I didn't think about or do anything else. I just went about my day. Knowing that it would happen.

The very next day I was out having lunch with a buddy of mine. Next thing I know, I notice a really cute brunette just happened to sit right near us. Ok, nothing special, cute girls always position themselves near me. Within a few minutes she ended up taking her glasses off, looked at me with her piercing blue eyes and smiled. 'Exactly what I said I wanted'

I didn't think anything about it, finished my lunch and went to the gas station. I walk into the gas station to pay and guess what? There just happens to be another really cute brunette with piercing blue eyes standing right next to me in line, she looks at me I look at her and we both just smile.

Almost as if it was meant to be, from that point anything is possible and everything becomes effortless, it is like two magnets pulling towards each other.

Coincidence? Nope, that's how it really works and the best part is it can happen all the time not just once in a great while.

It is because my mindset is so clear and powerful I can literally bring into my life whatever I want effortlessly. 'Well with women anyways' I am still working on my own mindset in other areas in my life so I can iterally do this with everything I want which is working quite well. Imagine that, imagine being able to be so clear every day that you can bring anything you want into your reality simply by saying it in your own mind.

The crazy part is you are already doing this! But for most guys they are thinking about what they don't want which then in return attracts more of it. Focus only on what you want and let go of everything else.

I will tell you everything he says is 100% true. So why is it so few of guys can experience that pure level of "getting what we want?" Cory actually tells you EVERYTHING you need to know to make this happen here in this email. Yep. If you really "get this," you can save yourself the thousands of dollars of coaching and hours and hours and hours of "work" to get there. "It is because my mindset is so clear and powerful." That's it.

And that's also the bitch of it, because it's actually FUCKING HARD (or it is for me anyhow) to get my mindset clear. But that's all you need to focus on – getting clear on what you want. When I've been clear on what I'm wanting, I can see I'm getting exactly what I want… which most of the time has been a confused mess, because I'm not clear.

So here's the first step, and this is the one I've arrived at, and is the foundation for getting that "magnetic mindset:" Get Clear On Where You Are At. Get really fucking clear on who you are being and where your mindset is right now, in this moment, free from any judgment or goals or anything. Because if you can't get clear on what is, you can't do anything about changing it.

And let me tell you, for me, this part takes a lot of balls. You're going to have to face down every single little voice telling you things should be this way or that, telling you why you should be unhappy with where you're at, all the worries of how things will be – all of it. Really let all of it go. If you want to attract women into your life, you have to get right with how things are right now.

And this doesn't mean resigning into "poor me, nobody's attracted to me, I'm a loser." You have to give that up, too. Because the truth is you're not attracting every woman, and you're not "not attracting" every woman. (My apologies for that double-negative.) Somewhere between delusion "I'm a stud, every woman secretly wants me" and collapse "I'm a loser, nobody could ever want me" (or some version of these two extremes) is the truth – you are you. You are attractive, even right now. And if you went out, just as you are, being totally okay with who you are right now – a human being in the world – and you were around women, some of them would be attracted to you.

And if you were totally right with WHAT IS, and not injecting your fantasies, worries or expectations into the mix, you could literally see this. And what's more, if you let go of every expectation or need for some form of approval – you'd find yourself drawn, like a magnet, to those women where there's mutual attraction. Right fucking now! Yes, even while you're wearing that shirt that makes you look like a tool (though you really want to be dressing authentically, it makes the process a lot smoother).

Here's the thing I've learned through years of trying out "pick up" techniques, "personal evolution," and my own personal life experiences: men and women are made to be attracted to each other. We're made to enjoy being together – really enjoy being together. You don't need special powers to be fulfilled, and be fulfilling, in this area. And it's certainly not as big of a deal as some people would like you to believe.

That means you – yes, you – are naturally attractive to women. Get right with yourself, get really clear on "what is," with yourself, with everything around you. Let all the BS about status and everything else go. Be totally right with the guy you really are, even if at first it scares the shit out of you. Be totally right with what you want and give yourself permission to just be that guy, even if you think you suck at it. And let go and be with what is – walk through the world just being excited for whatever crazy shit is happening, and there's always crazy shit going on. Give up all expectations or assumptions when it comes to women. All of them. Whether she is attracted to you or not, doesn't matter, you're cool either way. And follow your own heart.

When you do these things, you find that zone where you're just feeling your own attraction for the women you're really attracted to, and women have space to feel their attraction for you without feeling this pressure to fill some need in you, or feeling this sense that you don't want them to feel attraction because you expect them to see you as a loser. You're just being, and letting the world be. First of all, it feels really fucking good, like you've escaped from some social prison and you're finally in charge of your life. Instead of worrying whether she's going to approve of you, you're just curious what will happen next. When she behaves badly (yah, even the best of the best get treated rudely sometimes), you just laugh – it kind of adds to your day in a weird way, because it's not about you. It's like watching a movie and they wrote in some jackass whose there to show the audience how great it is not to be a jackass – and you're the lead actor.

You are the lead actor – that really is what it feels like – creating the movie of your life. And the great thing is, aside from "bad things" not bothering you, and having all this freedom, you start to notice people liking you more. Maybe it's because you're more "in tune," or maybe being free and happy makes you more likeable, or maybe there really is this mystical "Law of Attraction." Whatever it is, you're living it. And in this world, "being liked" isn't a big deal either. Sure, it's always nice, and better than not being liked, but it doesn't change what is, it doesn't change who you are or who you're being.

But you have to let go of both sides to get there.

And it does take a certain confidence – courage in yourself – to do that, to truly stand on your own in the world. Whatever it takes for you to find that courage and let go, make that effort. Then let go. Cory's right, it's that easy. And it might be the hardest thing you'll ever do.

I hope this confused you…

A New Sexual Matrix: Genesis

2011-03-17T15:28:00.001-07:00

For most of my sexual life I've had two "modes," a relaxed plateau mode where I felt "in control" and could last as long as I wanted, and a tense "holding back" mode where I would feel my arousal ramp up very quickly, usually because I was forcing it up to "get hard now," and then it would be this losing battle to keep from coming. In the first mode, I would feel very powerful and in command, and the sex was good, and I felt good. In the second mode, I felt a loss of control, I felt like my body and mind were working against me to ruin my life, and I felt inadequate as a lover.

For years I bounced between these two states. Even when I went through Destin Gerek's "Orgasmic Mastery" course, these were my two places, generally, and then I could add "non-ejaculatory orgasm" to the powerful first state. And this serves a great purpose – expanding into one's strength.

But lately I've been feeling a tremendous shift around this area. I've been embracing surrender like never before and really facing up to and challenging the realities in my life, instead of rationalizing them. Recently I had a sexual experience that was totally different than the "two state" way of being. I went into acceptance and total enjoyment of my partner and the moment. I gave up having to please her in a certain way, having sex be a certain way. I just let things roll and enjoyed the experience.

At some points I was hard, at others I wasn't. At some points it seemed like I was "on the edge," at others "on that plateau." I gave up having to "get her to orgasm right now," which used to mean barreling through to get her to come, even if it mean losing control in the process. I listened to my body. I slowed down. I allowed myself to really feel my enjoyment and let her know what I was feeling. I gave up all goals, that deep-seeded need to "be a good lover" as I knew that to be.

And I sat with the feelings of trying this on. The feelings that I wasn't pleasing her right, that she wasn't happy, that I was too focused on myself and my pleasure, that I would lose control, all of that. And at some point, I let that go and just enjoyed the ride – actually experienced the ups and downs of a sexual experience, giving everything up and just being. I felt myself ride the edge, slow down, guide her on the edge, "surf the wave." It felt very different for both of us. It ended up being a very connective, pleasurable experience.

I also sat with being in that "second mode," that place of tension. I really sat with it, and didn't run away from it. I didn't judge, I just accepted. And I've allowed the thoughts and feelings to come up – truly desirable women will give up and leave me, I'll never get over this, I'm really not a good lover, I'm not a desirable man. All these things, just letting it be. Being with it.

And now, even in the midst of some other intense non-sexual things going on in my life, I am feeling this sense that I am finally at that place of being able to really be with my sexuality, and at the beginning of being able to really guide my sexuality where I want to be, which is something totally different than the way I'd been having sex… until just now.

Following Truth

2011-03-14T16:43:00.001-07:00

We chase shadows into the darkness

To conceal our shadows from ourselves.

Truth-tellers speak behind masks

Of all personality as such,

Save theirs,

Sparks from their tongues

Brighten the darkness,

With shadow after shadow

Of beautiful darkened souls

Following.

Truth is

Truth-tellers lie.

Followers see only shadow

Of the figure of the follower before them,

Who follows the truth-teller

Behind as such a mask.

And the darkened Ones repeat:

It is better to light one candle

Than to curse the darkness,

Their wicks wetted from the spit

From the guru's truth-telling.

None see the blackness behind the mask,

Only wait for a few more sparks.

Their candles never burn

Following, flailing, faving, fanning,

Failing.

Each candle, each One burning

A thousand times brighter

Than the sparks of the truth-teller,

Never lit – every One

Afraid of his own shadow

Dies in darkness

While the truth-teller lies.

Don’t Follow Gurus… (Random Thoughts, Common Thread)

2011-03-14T16:19:00.001-07:00

Some random thoughts for a Monday…

On Evolution…

The Evolution/ Self Improvement community seems to consist of two groups – a large group of very humble people who recognize their imperfections and who genuinely want to better their lives. They see personal evolution as a way to a better life, not as some science to "get right" or some competition. Then there is the small, loud, painfully annoying group of people who either consider themselves "gurus" or who have become devotees of some "guru" to an extent that they are cult-ish in their devotion. They seem to see evolution as some competition and LOOOOOOOVE to tell you how much more evolved they are then you. They know all the terminology, and they spew it out like fertilizer, but they embody none of their own teachings. They come off as arrogant and they seem to be on a mission to take all the enjoyment out of personal evolution. Unfortunately, the outside world evaluates groups based on the worst characteristics of people in that group… so people not in the "Evolution Community" tend to see it as a bunch of arrogant hypocrites who spout off a bunch of high-minded bullshit and are even more messed up than the rest of us.

All of which reminds me of something I heard on a radio show: "Don't follow Christians, follow Christ." Don't listen to the gurus, listen to your heart; don't practice "personal growth," just grow. And, when you encounter those annoying "more evolved than thou" people, be grateful for their gift of reminding you how annoying arrogance and hypocrisy are, and for the opportunity to release those traits in yourself, and know that most people are just trying to do the best they can, and don't like the high-and-mighty people any more than you do.

On Sex…

I've noticed there seem to be a lot of these microcommunities, pretty much all located in the San Francisco Bay Area, who are dedicated to different ten or fifteen minute rituals of clitoral massage with the finger. In each case they seem to insist on using a particular finger of a particular hand, with a particular series of strokes in a particular order for a particular amount of time. (They also all require the one thing that screams SEXY – a timer! What woman doesn't get soaking wet at the sight of a stopwatch?) And you put your leg here and here… and she lays here and… when did sex become such a pain in the ass? And lately these people have been selling their systems in various forms. I've seen one in David Shades' book (the"Welcomed Method"), there's one in AMP's "Authentic Sexual Power DVD set, there's the "OM Method," and probably an infinite number of variations, all of which have done an amazing job of turning the joyful act of sex into something tedious and cerebral.

This is what happens when computer nerds start teaching sex… they actually count strokes, one… two.. three… four down strokes! A-ha-ha-hah…! How do you say "what the fuck" in nerd??

In all seriousness, I think it's awesome that there is so much detailed information on the anatomy of the human clitoris, and that there is so much helpful information out there on different ways to stimulate the clitoris. There is a lot to learn from these methods, and I invite you guys to learn and try out the different strokes…

… then improvise and play with your own strokes, find what works best for you and your partner, which will change from day to day, hour to hour, week to week. And don't be surprised if your partner isn't interested in a fifteen-minute clitoral massage. Maybe she'd be more interested in a fifteen-minute full-body touch massage and a few minutes of really good clit stroking. Or maybe she'd respond better to a pussy stimulation that focuses on every part of her pussy, from her pubic hair, to her lips, to her vaginal opening, to her clit.

While I'm busy making fun of them, in a very "un-evolved" way, I do see a lot of value in these systems, because you learn a *lot.* There are so many little, subtle things about the clit, and different ways to play with it. Picking up one of these systems and learning the strokes will definitely give you a lot of killer skills and confidence. I'm just not big on "cookbooks," I'm more into finding our own flavor.

…but really… what is 'Frisco's fascination with this sort of thing?

So my take on this is… go get yourself one of these systems. Google "One Taste," that one is pretty thorough as far as strokes. Then… play with it. Try each of those strokes out on your partner, see how she responds. Maybe see if you can replicate those strokes with your tongue. Maybe do one of those strokes, then move to another part of her body, then come back, build up, tease.

…but what do I know? I'm just some negative, unevolved person on the "descended plane." And I'm not some "PUA" whose catalogued two hundred conquests on an Internet forum. What do I know? Like anything else, don't follow the "guru," follow your heart. Better yet, talk to your partner and find out what she likes…

On Osho…

And speaking of following gurus, I officially "un-followed" Osho. I chalk this one up to poor research on my part. A lot of his insights are powerful, and he speak a lot of the truth. But he was also a seriously flawed person who deceived a lot of good people and didn't live in integrity with his professed philosophy. And that's being generous.

But that doesn't mean ignore the wisdom. There's a lot of great insight – he didn't follow his insight, that was his own failing. That doesn't diminish the value of the insight.

Truth-tellers lie.

Again, don't follow the guru…

Spring is Springing

2011-03-10T12:25:00.001-08:00

After my "breakthrough" where I came to realize the power of my choice around being the sexual man I want to be… well… I've been stepping into my own, in a lot of fun, yummy ways.

I've been expanding my expression, namely my poetry, into more erotic directions, when inspiration has struck me… and I've posted some of that here.

I've also been expanding my "phone sex" enjoyment… and taking on the phone has been something that has historically been a liability in my mind. Well, not now. I've been communicating powerfully, finding my "sex phone voice," and really sounding my own pleasure during phone sessions… and wow, it's been powerful. Really powerful, and… very well-received.

I've been diving into surrender, both in solo practice and with my wife, and had some amazing shifts and experiences. I've discovered how to release that part of me that wants to "hold back" my arousal and pleasure, welcoming and surrendering to the pleasure and feeling this place of bliss, an enjoyment I'd never experienced before. And again… VERY well-received…

It's all unfolding and I feel I'm really stepping into my authentic self. I had a vision with my ideal erotic archetype where he told me I had "crossed over" into that way of being, that erotic way of being and mindset that I wanted for myself, and now it was a matter of stepping powerfully into this way of being. I feel more grounded, more authentic, more confident, more… sexy!

And I'm noticing a shift in the way even that I'm being received in the world, and how I interact. I feel so much more natural around people, interacting so much more freely and feeling these… connections… happening with strangers… where I'm finding myself just holding eye contact, appreciating this beautiful woman, and I can feel her break out of her "blinder" mentality (like, we're on the train, where everybody is trying to avoid everybody else) and becomes engaged. I really believe that at some level, maybe even a conscious level, women can sense something, because I'm finding women going from that shut-down, avoid-the-world state into this flowing, smiling, giggling, juicy state whenever our eyes meet, and then she'll go back into "leave-me-alone mode" when we break eye contact.

And my wife… is crazy about me. There's a level of peace and connection now I don't ever recall in this relationship. Spring is springing for me…

In Sex, Greed is Good (Really!)

2011-03-10T10:06:00.001-08:00

How many of you have this belief that you are different that "most guys" when it comes to sex? That, unlike "all those other guys," you care more about your partner's pleasure than your own? That unlike "most men," your focus is on pleasing women, not on solely your own pleasure?

Yah… me too.

I listened to part of a recording of an interesting discussion between Destin Gerek and Alex Allman, who both know a thing or two about "pleasing women" sexually. And in this part of the discussion, they both spoke to this subject – that men keep writing them and coming to them with this view of themselves as "different" because they, unlike "most men," care about women's pleasure more than their own.

And they both said how this attitude is actually counterproductive to being a truly great lover! Apparently, women aren't these selfish sexual creatures who just want to get as much pleasure as possible. Women – and this is going to surprise a lot of guys, I'm sure – actually enjoy giving pleasure to their partners, too. So an unbalanced focus on "giving pleasure" is actually denying women a form of pleasure they crave – and leaves women feeling unfulfilled sexually.

And I'll be the first to admit I bought into the "her pleasure is more important than mine" belief, and I'll tell you Destin and Alex are one hundred percent right. Being all about her pleasure… is actually kind of a turn-off.

In parts of my own life when I was heavily "into her pleasure," it became an ego identity for me. I valued myself based on my ability to please her – give her the most orgasms, "be the best." And conversely, my insecurities centered around the fear other men were better at "giving women pleasure" than me. In this stage, sex really wasn't a lot of fun for me, it was all wrapped up in ego, and at an energetic level it was draining for women as well.

In other parts of my life, and I've moved more strongly into this aspect lately, I made my pleasure more of a focus, and my enjoying sex was a priority in my life. And guess what? Those were the times when the sex was "the best" for her. Energy needs to flow – her receiving pleasure and me receiving pleasure is a healthy flow that, when in balance, allows both people to be fulfilled. There's no ego mucking things up, just joy and celebration.

Lately I've been exploring surrender, in releasing and allowing things to be in the moment. I've explored allowing myself to fully receive pleasure. One example, when I feel that "rise" in pleasure and arousal, I would habitually try and "cut that off" so I wouldn't get "too excited," and end up coming too soon and "denying her pleasure." Now, I've been exploring fully enjoying that arousal, really enjoying it and fuck whatever happens next. And a funny thing happens when I let go and surrender to the pleasure – my body really likes it! My WHOLE body really likes it, so by fully releasing into the pleasure, I accept more pleasure, I feel more pleasure and it actually takes the pressure off the desire to "release." And with the whole BS about "coming too soon" off the table, I'm just in the moment, and paradoxically, can more easily move my energy, lasting longer, having better non-ejaculatory orgasms, and crazy good ejaculatory orgasms, too.

And by really being in my pleasure, allowing myself to express how much I'm really enjoying myself, it turns my partner on like crazy. I've learned the same thing that Destin and Alex are preaching – women cannot get enough of experiencing men enjoying sexual pleasure. Sure, every woman loves being taken care of by her man, but, just like the really responsive woman for us guys, the responsive man whose really enjoying sex, is addictive to women.

I love things like giving massages and taking time to focus on my woman's pleasure. But now I make sure that I let her know that, even while I'm giving her pleasure, I'm really enjoying myself. And I place much more attention on allowing her to please me as well – and letting her know I am feeling pleasure. I've strengthened my expressiveness in all forms to let her… and the neighbors… and Cyberspace… know I'm feeling good and loving what she's doing to me.

One more example, which is also a "tip" for you: I've learned that women really enjoy seeing videos of the man they're attracted to pleasuring himself. I mean really enjoy it. (The key part here is that she's already into you – randomly sending videos of you jacking off to women you've just recently met… won't have the same effect.) I was surprised when I went out on a limb and sent a video to a lover of me pleasuring myself and having an energetic orgasm - and she told me later that she'd been thinking about or watching the video all week, even sneaking off to "take care of herself" at work because it turned her on so much. So there's an example of me sharing a moment that was ENTIRELY about my pleasure – and it drove her crazy!

And the balance between giving and receiving, in all aspects of life, but especially in sex, is magical. It allows for powerful energy flows. It makes sex relaxed and FUN by taking that artificial "pressure" off. Yes, guys generally lead women in the bedroom, but that's more about you giving her stimulation and permission to enjoy herself – not about you doing all the work. Part of leading is also leading her in surrender – here's another tip, give your arousal a voice – a good, loud one! Really let her know, in your voice and body movements, that you're getting really turned on, and loving it. And when you're getting ready to come, really let her in on the fun. How is this "leading?" Women tend to naturally follow men's lead, so if you're coming hard, and really letting her know… chances are she'll be coming hard right there with you. And that shared surrender of a shared orgasm is amazing – women dream of that, it's the stuff of romance novels.

Okay, so maybe Destin, Alex and I are bad examples for you? Let's look at some broader social trends. Some of you may have been reading that women in "evolved communities" are actively reaching out for what could be described as "Neanderthal" partners – particularly Middle Eastern men, who are seen as being the kind of men who are all about their own pleasure and who don't care much about what women want. This is a trend that has caught on in places like San Francisco and Scandanavia, places where men have heavily "evolved" into this "pleasure servant" mindset. It turns out the women, while they appreciate being valued, are not all that thrilled with the energetic imbalance. So they turn to men who are the polar opposite – "selfish" lovers – so women can feel that satisfaction of giving a man pleasure and having him really enjoy it.

Touches

2011-03-08T12:41:00.001-08:00

I stand over, breathing in your body

Stretched out, face-down, on my massage table,

Yellow warmth of candlelight

Kissing your sunkissed skin,

Oil-moistened hands

Savoring soft smoothness, strokes

Running up your back, caressing your neck,

Sliding over your shoulders,

Fingers tracing over your arms and hands,

Feeling your tingling energy following my touch

As I repeat the caress.

Goose bumps budding

Following fingertips flowing

Across your back, down your back,

Over the small of your back,

Swirling over your sacrum,

Teasingly tracking over your

Butt, before turning back,

Then returning, tempting, tingling, tracing touch.

Sweet, sensual, subtle scents

-Breathing in ylang ylang and jasmine,

Easefully arousing, exhaling,

You welcome the tingling escalation

From subtle finger-touch, sliding

Over the goose bumps

On the sides of your waist,

Over your hips,

Pulling tingling energy

Down your thighs

And you sigh, surrendering in arousal.

Tempting, trickling touch, tingling turn-on tracing

Over every inch of your feet,

Sending slow sensual shockwaves

Up your body.

Breathing in the moment,

Building arousal in my body,

Feeling more of you,

Climbing my fingers from your feet,

Inside your calves, steadily sliding

Over your inner thighs,

Slowly, silkily, steadily sliding,

Up, and down,

Hands briefly, lovingly cupping you,

As you shiver,

Running up, over your butt,

Drawing sighs and goose bumps,

Palms sliding up your back,

To your shoulders,

I lean forward, kissing your neck.

Tender instrumentals glide across

Evening warmth of our space we share,

As I slowly, gently guide you to roll over.

You slide over indigo silken sheets,

As I ease you onto your back,

You lay on my massage table

In gently building excitement and calm anticipation.

Watching you stretch your body

Into relaxed arched curvature,

Feeling the soft thickness

Of your dirty blonde hair

Across my palms, between my fingers,

As I comb my fingers over your scalp,

As you soften underneath my touch,

As you melt into the table

While my fingers tenderly wipe away

Tensions from your face,

Then fingers tracing your lips, your ears,

The sides of your neck,

Over your shoulders, down your arms,

Caressing over your forearms to your fingertips.

Inhaling deeply as I glide my oil-moistened palms

Up your body from your waist,

Over your stomach,

Holding your breasts,

Your chest surging under my firm hands

Massaging, caressing, tracing,

Calling forth goose bumps on your nipples

Which my fingers pet playfully,

Smoothly, tenderly, temptingly,

Your hips flowing in sympathy to the touch.

Your body trembling slightly under

My hands, feeling the smoothness,

Rising warmth of your skin,

Playfully gliding to your feet,

Squeezing, stroking,

Climbing up your inner thigh,

Tickling, teasing between your legs,

Drawing up, over your hips,

Hands sliding slowly together

Where you have wanted them to be

-Down there.

Moistened hands caressing lips

-Down there,

While my lips hover over your mound

-Down there,

Feel the vibration of my voice as my lips caress your mound

-Down there,

As my fingers slide gently inside your lips

-Down there.

Your body tensing in anticipation

As you feel my fingers and mouth

Gliding closer and closer

To where you ache to feel my touch,

Sighing with arousal and relief

As at long last you feel

The tip of my tongue

-Finally feeling that caress,

Feeling me taste

Your warm sweetness and electricity

As you shiver from your core,

Melting, releasing, gasping, arching,

In screaming, panting, ecstatic, joyful sighs.

Lightly tongue-teasing your clit,

Sliding my fingers inside you

-Warm, moist, soft, drawing me in,

I call forth your pent-up animal passion

By curling my fingers,

Calling the animal toward me,

Steadily, gently,

As the animal inside thrusts her hips,

Arches her back, panting primally,

I pull her out more and more with each

"Come hither,"

With hard, deep animal moans

You unleash the animal woman

-Surging, spraying, screaming

Outward from the deepest places within you,

Releasing, bursting, melting

Completely.

Gliding my hands to your heaving heart,

Gazing into the fire of your dark eyes,

Guiding your primal current to its loving home.

Feeling that sigh of you returning home,

I kiss you, lingering, tender, open-mouthed

Searching, seeing into the deepest parts of you

As my hands resume their journey

Across your body.

It Doesn’t Matter

2011-03-08T11:40:00.001-08:00

It just fully dawned on me, the truth behind "what's keeping me up at night." I've spent the past fifteen years stressing out over a career that is completely worthless. Not just my career, but the entire profession of accounting is largely worthless. In the grand scheme of things, it's all just wasted effort amounting to nothing.

Whether I get the accounts to balance or surf the Internet, it doesn't matter. Whether I make sure everything is booked to the right account or jack off in the men's room, it doesn't matter. Whether we close the books on Tuesday or I stare off into space, it's all the same. All wasted effort amounting to nothing.

I don't feel good about taking a paycheck for doing what I do. It doesn't matter if I do a good job or a half-assed job, it's all worthless in the end. I've spent years and all kinds of stress studying, passing the CPA exam, working in the profession, to do something that doesn't mean shit.

It's not that I don't feel I am valuable or offer anything, just the opposite – it's because I do see my value in the world that the total lack of value in my profession is so glaring. I can't keep spending my life doing things that amount to nothing. I feel it's all the things I do outside of my profession that offer value to the world. Somebody else thinks my profession is valuable, so they pay me for this crap, and I do the best I can working at something that offers no inspiration or meaning in my life.

And that's why I keep waking up at night – I know this, deep down, that the work I'm doing is worthless, not because I do bad work, but because it just doesn't matter in the greater picture. And that fundamental stress comes out in other, little ways.

I want to start over, leave everything behind, go somewhere and start anew, totally fresh, just me. I don't give a rat's ass about this stupid apartment, or the neighborhood, or any of the stuff in it. I love my children, but does love mean working a worthless job to write a check for "stuff"? It's all bullshit, all of it. Everything in my career, and everything it touches, is total bullshit. The child support, the daycare, the spending money so I can work in this worthless job… it's all bullshit, all of it.

I've been allowing myself to feel bad about myself because some former employer didn't like the way I was booking meaningless entries or that I wasn't spending all my time on stupid, pointless reports, or some other crap. I actually was buying this bullshit, and thinking that I was a "bad employee," or there was something wrong with my "work ethic." Well, there has been something wrong with my "work ethic," I haven't been honest with myself about how I value this profession, my career in this field. I've got some piece of paper saying I'm good at this, and a body of work that says I'm good at this, and it doesn't mean shit in the world, because all BS. All of it. It's nothing but paper-pushing, bean-counting, nit-picking, stupid, worthless bullshit, and my heart's been telling me this for years.

Fuck all of it. Fuck it. It doesn't matter. None of this profession matters. I see why people have a low opinion of corporations, because they see corporations as these faceless organizations dedicated to producing a bunch of BS work, like what I do. Well, it's not a phenomenon that's exclusive to corporations, and there are a lot of great things corporations produce when they're not bogged down in nit-picky BS (this blog space would be an example, and the computers we're reading this on, and the Internet connection, to just name a few things of value).

This is more of a vent than anything else, but it feels good to acknowledge the truth – my entire profession is nothing but a bunch of worthless bullshit. That's the truth. It feels good to acknowledge it, even if it hurts to think of all the years and stress I've wasted actually giving a crap about any of this.

“Welcome The Things You Fear The Most”

2011-03-03T15:02:00.001-08:00

I'm searching for a positive alternative to the mindset of "accommodation" that I've been living in my entire life. I asked my idea erotic archetype to tell me how he made that shift – how did he let go of accommodation and become so solid and comfortable around people and situations, all situations, (see the archives from about a year ago for background on my ideal erotic archetype) and he told me to "welcome the things you fear the most."

I did this whole thing while I was standing on the sidewalk outside my office, with traffic and train noises all around me.

In that moment, I felt this physical shift. This resonated.

He also told me to "breathe more."

And with that, surrender takes another big step forward.

Playing With My Inner Sex Object Role

2011-02-25T15:50:00.001-08:00

Things have really shifted since my "Duh Breakthrough" recently. It's been big surges of expansion, growth and change, a feeling of openness, a rising in my chest, a deeper confidence and connection with people, overall feel-good, self-esteem improvement and all that good stuff that usually accompanies a breakthrough.

The big difference with this one is I've actually been doing things and making an active change. This breakthrough freed up whatever shit was holding me back and now I'm taking positive action, and it's awesome!

As is probably becoming aware on this blog, I've made a conscious effort to strengthen and bring forth my "inner sex object." I've spent most of my life playing within the erotic roles of "frustrated shy guy," "frustrated nice guy," "romantic nice guy/ poet," "boyfriend," and "guy women fall in love with/ Prince Charming," While "shy guy" and "nice guy" were self-limiting beliefs that never served me and I've been actively working to release, the other roles have been mostly positive, although very limiting.

And throughout my life, I've always had a certain frustration at this sense of confinement. Sure, being a boyfriend, or "the one" is great, but what about "sex object?" I've always been frustrated and envious of the guys who had basically sexual relationships, who could be openly sexual and connect purely at that level. It always seemed like that option was never available to me.

After this recent shift, I just figured out that I can choose these roles, it's not up to someone else or fate or how I answer some psychological test. The reason I hadn't been the "sex object" was because I'd never worked on living in that role. Now I see how I can be in… whatever erotic role I choose. If I want "platonic guy friend" energy, I can go there; if I don't enjoy being there, I can simply stop putting energy there, nobody's pointing a gun to my head making me be their guy friend, just choose to stop doing what isn't working. If I want "boyfriend" energy, I can go there too – I have a lot of experience in this area, but if I don't want the "relationship," I can also choose to not put energy into the things that aren't serving me.

If I want to play with "purely sexual relationship" energy, well, I have to make a choice, and I have to be willing to make the effort to develop this aspect of my personality. That means actively putting my energy into this area, and consciously stopping things that drain from this energy. And for me, it means going overboard and "feeling foolish" for a while, until it feels natural, and then I can choose to move between roles more fluidly, based upon what I want, not what the universe serves up for me.

I recall when I was working with Destin Gerek a year ago, I had this moment where I said, out of frustration, that I was making all this progress, but I wasn't feeling like the "sexy bad boy." What we worked on was basically what I'm doing now, but minus that blockage. The difference is I've been able to expand into a place of abundance and conscious choice, and accept that this is just something I need to build, like a muscle, but there's nothing stopping me and infinite opportunities to get to where I want to be.

And the other "a-ha" was an internal belief that I don't have to make a life decision between "sexy lover" and "boyfriend/ husband." There are a couple of many erotic roles available to me, and I can choose – I don't have to take what's being offered if it's not what I want. I don't have to "put up with listening to her problems" to enjoy the hot sex I want, if that's what I want. And conversely, I don't have to be sexual if I'm only feeling "friendship energy." I can be who I am, independent of any label, and play in whatever role I want to enjoy. Maybe in one situation I'm wanting just a physical relationship – great, dive into that role. Really dive into it, see how deep I can go.

And that's what I've been playing with, seeing how "purely sexual" I can be. Not in a lecherous, taking, "horn dog" sort of way, but in a pure-hearted way, just fully connected and fully expressive in my sex, and leaning into that edge – how can I be more sexual? How can I keep leaning into this edge? How can I take it up a notch? Write about it, visualize it, talk about it, act on it, filter everything I do through that prism until I'm just being it.

And part of this is just accepting that these things are a practice, that it takes time to build an aspect of my personality that maybe I've been ashamed of, or afraid of, or just felt uncomfortable being in fully. Maybe I've been afraid people would react badly – in fact the reaction has been quite positive, when I've been sincere in this aspect of my personality. And the times when things have gone less than perfect, just breathing in the abundance of the world and knowing that there is infinite opportunity, and I'll give myself as much time, patience, acceptance and space as I need to get where I want to go.

And the last piece is recognizing that this is not something I need to be perfect at right away, I don't need to be able to do a, b, and c and then I can play with being sexual. I can play with being sexual right now, even if I'm not where I want to be in certain aspects. I can learn as I go, and I can let go of that voice telling me I can't do it now because "they'll think I'm a fake" for not having this or that quality mastered. And the more I let go of that voice and just start moving toward what I really want, the better I get at those "things," the easier it is to move deeper into this role.

“Reading Assignment”

2011-02-24T16:55:00.001-08:00

I'm feeling this urge to "edit" this, make it more descriptive or "unique," or to explain myself. So fuck all that… here it is, as it's written. Fuck perfection... it was well-received.

Feeling my kiss, the electricity running through your body – you practically come just from feeling my kiss and my warm, naked body next to yours.

Feeling those shivers of pleasure as my lips move down your neck, over your body to your nipple. Arching your back as you feel my mouth slide around your nipple, my tongue pummeling your nipple, sending shockwaves through your body. You feel my fingers, wet from you, stroke you as my tongue plays with your nipple, and you come hard as my finger plays with your spot.

Then you turn around, get on top of me, feel my tongue teasing your spot as you begin playing. Your tongue licking my tip, feeling me get harder, then running your tongue over my balls, pleasing them, running up, over my shaft, rock hard. Then your mouth glides over the tip, down the shaft, your hand gripping my hard base as you move your mouth down and up the hard shaft.

Feeling my tongue licking your spot, feeling shivers through your body as the vibrations from my moans coarse through your body. Finally, your excitement from feeling me so hard, throbbing in your mouth, and my tongue driving you crazy sends you over the edge and you let out a moan as you enjoy the biggest orgasm ever.

Then I grab you, turn you around, and glide you over me, bringing my lips to yours for a moment as you slide over me, feel me so hot and hard inside you, you – wet, hot, filled with me, sending pulses through your body as my tongue slides over your nipple, and you rock over me, feeling me hit that spot, more and more until you let go, exploding into even deeper pleasure.

I kiss you hard, then kneel you at the edge of the bed, grabbing your sexy little hips as you feel me slide into you from behind, hard and deep. You feel me getting harder as I fuck you hard and deep from behind, feel yourself getting more and more turned on. You hear my moans getting louder as a hold you and fuck you harder and deeper, strong, hard thrusts driving us both crazy, building higher and higher until we both let out a moan that shakes the room and come together, harder than ever. I can feel you pulsating around me as I'm pulsating inside you in shared ecstasy…

Express

2011-02-24T14:33:00.001-08:00

Driving, pulsing lust, pulling me toward your body,

Tingling, jolting, electric desire as our eyes connect,

Breathing in your voice, my body melts and flows to you,

Feeling my eyes penetrate you,

A silky thrust in my breath, my voice penetrating your mind,

Impregnating your imagination,

Even with my innocent words.

Feeling a swirling tingling surge in my pelvis,

Sweeping over my hips,

A determination rising from deep in my belly,

Overpowering any doubts,

The words rushing forth,

From up through my pelvis, through my stomach,

Through my heart, out my mouth,

Feeling you receive me

As everything flows past the barriers

Finally I release my wanting you.

Something Changed…

2011-02-22T17:54:00.001-08:00

Something pretty profound changed in me yesterday.

I don't know how to describe it yet – I'm sure that'll come. I'm working through these weird stream-of-consciousness experiences. I broke completely out of the scarcity/ victim mold and into a moment of real presence, openness and choice.

And then the "old way" came back. But it no longer "felt like me." That moment of openness was the other side, and there's really no going back to the "old me." It'll come back for periods, but the destination has been set, to the openness, to the other side, to the space of abundance and gratitude and conscious choice free of fear or obligation.

And I'm seeing it could be messy, but that's the way it's going to be. I'm not sure who will be there when I'm fully on the other side, except my authentic self. And something in me just made that decision to go there, even if I lose everything else.

I don't even feel like this chair I'm sitting in at work is mine. I feel like I'm renting this life I'm currently in and the lease is expiring.

It's not a "yay, I'm getting what I want," more like a calm acceptance that my life is changing forever, a deep, permanent realignment and all I need to do is go with it, follow gravity. And I won't recognize the man I was being and the life I was living, I see that.

Your Man

2011-02-22T13:56:00.001-08:00

I am your sex object, I am your toy,

I am your fantasy, I challenge your reality,

I am your permission to be daring, your exploration, your adventure, your escape,

I am your distraction, your temptation,

I am your secret, your guilty pleasure,

I am your release, your explosion,

I am your satisfaction, your addiction,

I am your excitement, your thrill,

I am the voice that reaches the end of your vibrator,

I am the one you're still feeling days later,

I am your unquenchable thirst, your cold drink of water, your source of wetness,

I am the other man, I am the first,

I am naughty, I am good,

I set you free, I am the one you cannot leave,

I am the narrator of your fantasies, I put thoughts in your head,

I am the reason you stay home alone,

I am the goose bumps on your skin, I am the shiver in your spine,

I am the gasp in your breath, I am the sigh,

I am the words you cannot speak,

I am the one you want to possess, the one who makes you want to kneel,

I am the one you bite and scratch, the one you can't kiss hard enough,

I am the one you can't keep yourself from fantasizing about,

I am the sly grin on your lips, your eyes looking off somewhere,

I am the one you will never forget,

I am the one you hide from your friends,

I am a bastard, a hero, the one you try the hardest to admire,

I am that feeling you're the only woman in the world,

I am profound connection, crazy obsession,

I am the one who fills you, the one who has you craving more,

I am primal animal passion, screaming sweated lust, deep infinite longing,

I am the one he can't compete with,

I am the one who lifts you higher than ever, I am your downfall

Just Fucking Doing It

2011-02-21T16:59:00.001-08:00

It's funny how a "breakthrough" and a "duh" can look a lot alike.

I've been having some amazing openings over the past week around energy and presence, and then today found myself in a familiar place of feeling frustrated and "off-center," that feeling that I'm "not doing what I want to do."

I could feel those self-imposed restrictions coming up, and see where that old way of being – fear and scarcity – was emerging. And again, those voices come up – I'm doing all these things and not getting what I want.

And then it just came up – well, if you want to do something, go fucking do it. Want more sexiness? Great, go be sexy, go do sexy things, spend more time and energy being sexually expressive. And I had to laugh because it really is that simple, but I've spent so much of my life being in this place of accepting excuses and limitations, of wanting to be frustrated, of just accepting a scarcity mentality, that it seemed profound and really stupidly easy all at the same time. My big breakthrough feels a lot like "duh."

And I don't think it's a "simple matter," because I've been consciously working on this for a while, so it's probably a situation where I spent a lot of effort getting myself up that hill so that when I could finally get over that last hump, it's downhill and looks really easy from up here.

I mean, of course, just go do it. Go be more sexy in every way. Consciously bring more sexuality into my life. Yes, it is that simple as deciding how I spend my time and energy – duh! But it's taken a lot of work to get to that "duh" I just found. I remember Destin telling me these things a year ago and I felt like this was hard, I didn't know what to do, what would my wife thing, blah, blah, blah, because I wasn't ready to "just go do sexy," so it felt like work, it felt like leaning, it felt like a challenge.

Now it's more like, of course, just make a choice. Make it a practice, know that it'll take time to re-train myself, but I really do know what to do, I always did, and just go, stop talking about it and just go. And I may have to play with "going overboard" for a while, and that's cool. There's plenty of time, there are plenty of opportunities. I may… rub some people the wrong way… no worries. As long as I learn to adjust, it's good.

It's just funny, the shift is just getting off the "things aren't going my way" attitude toward "okay, what way DO I want to go?" and then start going there. And a big part of it for me is just deciding this is a priority for me and stating that to the world, instead of waiting for the world to accommodate me or give me permission. Just be the way I want to be, express myself the way I want, do what works for me, and cut out the crap that isn't working.

I'd spend all this time complaining about the things in my life I didn't like and couldn't bring myself to just turn around and go toward what I wanted. Maybe there's a certain threshold of self-acceptance you need before you're really ready to do that; or maybe it just took a conscious effort at programming a positive mindset. Or maybe both.

But from here, it really does seem easy, like really obvious. And it feels really good to put my foot down and claim something for myself, to say this is my life, and I'm going to live it the way that works for me, without asking permission or looking around to see if I'm doing it right or doing it out of some angry reaction. It feels really natural and easy. This'll be fun…

A Look Away

2011-02-11T14:59:00.001-08:00

Riding tingling, pulling energy from

Feeling when you slide your eyes to me, flash an irrepressible grin,

Watching you twirl your hair with your fingers,

Hearing the cascade of your laughter

From your shiny, smiling, sensuous lips,

As I glance away my computer screen,

The gentle tug pulling my gaze away from my work,

Lifting my heart ever so slightly,

Feeling a moment of manliness and inspired desire,

Ignited in the middle of just another workday,

In that moment, I smile,

Returning my eyes to their expected place

With a slightly shift in perspective,

Grateful to you for a moment of relief.

“Stepping Into Your Masculine Power,” Initial Review

2011-02-07T16:50:00.001-08:00

Last night I finished up Week Six of Destin Gerek's "Stepping Into Your Erotic Masculine Power" series. With evolutionary programs like this, it's difficult to give a good evaluation immediately following the course. There's a period of time when the lessons "settle in," and often shifts end up occurring in areas where I've felt I brought the least conscious attention. Add to that my last week of illness where I paid very little attention to this program, because I was only thinking about being sick and getting better, and there are a number of gaps left to be filled.

Even so, my first "post program" impression is that this was powerful. As someone whose known Destin for a little while and has done quite a bit of this evolutionary work, I'm impressed, and a bit surprised, with what's come forth.

There's a lot here. I'm going to do a full re-listening of the recordings in order, because there's a lot to unpack here. It's one of those programs where the benefits might come more from the second or even third listening. This program was very comprehensive in giving men the tools to explore and strengthen their masculine sexual power. The topics cover a wide breadth and each topic covers a broad spectrum of issues within its category. Everything from releasing limiting beliefs to subtle energy to sexual trust to the relationship with the feminine is covered, and covered in a breadth of ways.

Moreover, while covering a gauntlet of topics, Destin also brought a tremendous amount of depth to each subject and did a good job of keeping the group focused and engaged. For the subject of presence, Destin gave in-depth descriptions and explorations to cover the many aspects of presence. There's a lot to this subject, but Destin covered it fully in the hour and a half.

As with any program, its effectiveness relies on how much you put in and whether you are being a student in good faith – that is, being genuinely open-minded and making a sincere effort while being aware of what is and isn't working. With this program, I believe any student who participates in good faith will see shifts and changes that far exceed his expectations going in. This program is very dense but also understandable and accessible to an average guy.

I'll be interested to see what shows up in the next few weeks for the men who went through this program. I'm betting there will be big shifts and breakthroughs for all the men over the next few weeks, and I'll try and report mine as they emerge. If you haven't gone through this program and get the chance to do so, I'd highly recommend you jump on that chance. You'll be glad you did. www.eroticrockstar.com

Tenga is… AWESOME!!!

2011-02-07T11:44:00.001-08:00

…God created Woman, and it was good…

…then several days later, the Japanese got together, made some modifications, and created "Tenga"… and it was good.

I've had the chance to try out this new toy and... it's pretty amazing. It's hard to imagine that a penetrative sex toy for men could be so powerfully stimulating, but it is. It creates a lot of pleasure and a lot of sexual energy.

Combined with the energy and exploration work I've been doing up to now, Tenga really supercharges the level of energy and arousal in a way that regular masturbation was not doing for me. It's quite a jolt compared to what I'd been used to up to that point. And that more intense energy can be moved, can be played with. I can still explore non-ejaculatory orgasms, just with more intense and more quickly-generated energy.

If it's used in a positive way, it's a great enhancement to a man's sex life.

And what is a positive way? I spend a lot of time writing about, well, masturbating, which I'm sure a lot of guys look at and think "oh, that's what guys do who can't get laid," or some other negative connotation. And there's a certain "consensus" that this is not a subject that should be discussed.

There's a reason I bring this up again and again.

First of all, I can assure you, "getting laid" has not been an issue in my life for quite some time. Even before this past year, year and a half of erotic and personal evolution, when I was pretty far from "sexually confident," I had no trouble finding sex partners. I have always looked for ways to enhance my life and the lives of others, but I know most men would have been very happy to have my sex life, even with my "issues" like occasional premature ejaculation and my "shyness." I would add that the women in my life were very happy to be sharing my sex life with me, to the point where there were always more women looking to be a part of my life than my life had room for.

I bring this up only because it might help you to tamp down some of those "gremlins" saying self-limiting things. And I presume that only because, well, that was me. The whole time I was enjoying this life of abundance (which I enjoy now, too, but I've released a *lot*), I was really not enjoying it that much, because I lived in this confined space.

I had a ton of issues around masturbation – that it was for losers, that it was associated with porn, that it would hurt my sex life, that it was to "blow off steam," that it's shameful, that you DON'T dare let anybody know you're doing it, or you'll be seen as less of a man, or that you're not really attracted to the woman or women in your life if you're masturbating. All these issues were shame and judgment around my sexuality.

So what does this have to do with using the Tenga in a positive way? Well, everything. It took me this long to get right enough with my own sexuality and sense of deservedness to even believe that I should buy something like this for me. And all this releasing allowed me to really enjoy using it – although really, I think you can have a *lot* of issues and still really enjoy this, the Japanese have made a really fucking amazing product here. (It even looks cool, very sleek and high-tech, and the black matches my iPhone, but I digress.)

And it's that opening up and enjoying it, in the spirit of loving and taking care of yourself, which is what I mean by "in a positive way." This has the potential to greatly enhance a man's ability to play with his sexual energy, and make him more aware of his sensations. Which, in turn, can make you a better lover. It supercharges erotic self-exploration, which is empowering and takes away the "neediness and taking" with women and sex.

And becoming erotically empowered and more energetically aware... makes men better lovers. The experiences I've enjoyed from my journey in erotic self-exploration have been incredible, both for me and my lover. I wish I had started these practices earlier in my life, but I'm certainly grateful for them now. And the fact that, on my journey to becoming a better lover of women, I've become a much better lover of myself, to the point that this aspect of my life has become integrated into my regular life, and is really fucking enjoyable, *is* worth writing about.

And the first time you feel that Tenga jolt, and bring that energy into your heart center… you're probably going to want to share your experience, too. It's really, really good.

Presence: Meditating With My Eyes Open

2011-01-26T13:11:00.001-08:00

I almost don't want to write this – it feels so good where I'm at now I'm not wanting to engage too much in the thoughts it takes to describe it.

It's this tingling feeling all through my body, and this uplifting in my heart area, a heightened awareness of what's going on, but at the same time kind of a diffused vision, very broadly focused. Inside is a deep feeling of peace and acceptance.

It feels like home.

And I've been struggling for so long, especially lately, with thought patterns and negatively-charged emotions, it feels like I'm in a place of relaxation, a place of healing. It feels almost like a trance.

I notice people in a whole different way. I'm actually seeing people in 3-D, actually observing them in relation to the space around them, not just focused on the person. Everything is in 3-D, very diffused. My other senses are also diffused in a similar way.

I'm sitting here at my desk, which is literally surrounded by twenty other desks, there is zero privacy here. It's not exactly "ideal" for meditation. So, I've been meditating with my eyes open. I took the lesson from Destin Gerek's "Stepping Into Your Masculine Sexual Power," and just focus on all my senses in the moment, go as deep as I can with bringing as much sensation as I can.

And as I go deep into the sensations, I also bring my awareness to my energetic body, the energy moving inside me, on my chakras, on whatever feelings come up in the moment. And focusing all the time on my breath, and coming back to my sensory awareness, and just… relaxing into the moment.

It feels so peaceful, just letting go of thinking about anything, just being here. Feeling into my truth, which right now is telling me I want to crawl into a hammock and take a nap. No surprise there, I'm missing out on sleep, which is what happens when I'm overthinking.

It feels almost like a trance, and maybe it is. And as I gently bring more awareness to my senses, to my body, to this moment, that "trance" deepens. I feel more peace, more tingling all over my body, more uplifting in my heart.

And things come up, things that take me out of this state, and I just refocus back to my breath, back to the sensations in my body and around me, keep feeling more depth – how many more subtle sounds around me can I bring into my awareness? How many more physical sensations can I notice with my body? How many more scents, tastes? Just keep welcoming more and more experiences, and not having to do anything but just be with them.

Keep feeling, keep welcoming, keep being. Feeling into that space where there's really nothing I need to be doing. Feeling into that place where my heart is healing, and I can feel the wounds beginning to heal, and just letting myself heal in the way it's meant to be. That feeling of being held by a higher source. Letting go of alllllll those thought patterns and emotional charges that haven't been serving me, just being here, knowing I have everything I need, knowing I'm doing all I need to do in this moment, feeling complete, feeling the healing, the rejuvenation from a mind being at rest.

It feels REALLY good!

Getting a “Tenga” :-)

2011-01-26T08:53:00.001-08:00

It's funny some of the takeaways I get from Destin's courses. The latest teleseminar was on "Presence," and as I'll explain in another post, it came at just the right time, and these things always seem to happen that way.

Somewhere in the side conversation the subject of men's sex toys came up and particularly the Tenga and Fleshlight. So I looked into it… they're not cheap. But I'm at a point now where I'm ready for stuff like this. So I'm getting one J

I'll offer my review after I've had a chance to test drive it. Thought I'd share. Hey, you never know what you'll learn from these classes ;-)

Office Black

2011-01-19T18:10:00.001-08:00

Shiny gloss of the stapler, reflecting on its surface

Glints of fluorescent light and images on my desk.

Smooth muted phone receiver plastic, shining

A dull white glow from the office light above.

Mirror-smooth of monitor outline, distorting

The sight of the desks lined up behind me.

Matted keyboard black, keys worn to a shine

From the tap of my fingertips against them.

Tape dispenser, matted on the oval sides, plastishiny slanted concave front,

A layer of dust dulling the finish, sticking underneath exposed transparent tape.

Grippable dull, comfortably curved mouse, rubbery flat pad

To the right of a desk calendar showing last month.

Plastirubber indented pen grip, ink showing through plasticlear pen

Clamped between the keyboard and a stack of papers under my typing forearms.

Plastic cylinder reflecting a sticker on the printer, housing a pair of scissors and a pen

In front of the printer, next to the phone, next to the monitor.

Two trays of reflective, stackable, a mission statement affixed, covering part of a side facing me,

A cascade of papers and files obscuring the top.

Rounded rectangle screen of my iPhone, between messages, on bed of rubber bands,

Surrounded clockwise: tape dispenser, stapler, notepad, empty plastic bottle, unwashed coffee mug.

The Small Man

2011-01-18T17:32:00.001-08:00

Small man, short in stature,

Bald head gleaming under fluorescent sunlight,

Spectacles reflecting the monitors' glow

As he massages the spreadsheets he keeps to himself,

Lest they find someone who does his job better.

Small man, thin limbed with a paunch belly,

Wearing drab Dockers two sizes too large,

Cinched up with a blue felt belt, like a drawstring,

With mismatched shirts and jackets

Emblazoned with his company's logo.

Small man, high-tweaked, nasal-tinged voice,

Retreats to his desk during company lunches,

Emails his subordinates who sit just outside his office,

Never speaks to his fellow employees,

But refers to them as "nerds."

Small man, laughing at his own jokes,

Calls himself an advocate for his employees,

Yet never says a word at manager meetings,

Except to publicly blame them for his shortcomings,

And only communicating to manage up.

Small man, tense jaw and drawn brow,

Regularly cancels meetings with his staff, claiming he is busy,

As he repeatedly emails his employees who are home sick,

To get what he needs, to please his superiors

-He could not do any of his employees' jobs.

Small man, seeming generous,

Buying lunch for his staff at Christmas,

Buying bagels to honor his employee he gleefully cut loose,

Then claiming a reimbursement for all his expenses.

Small man, imagines himself charming

As he plies his goofiness on a young auditor

Who is paid to pretend to be nice to him,

The small man who connives to expunge

The employee who dared call him small.

I Leak

2011-01-18T15:44:00.001-08:00

Each time I deny, I leak.

Each time I lie, I leak.

Each time I ask myself why, I leak.

Each time I can't laugh or cry, I leak.

Each time I let parts of me die, I leak.

Each time I'm too afraid to try, I leak.

Each time I pick my skin, I leak.

Each time I don't let you in, I leak.

Each time I accuse you of sin, I leak.

Each time I cross my shins, I leak.

Each time I give up and give in, I leak.

Each time I discard love to try to win, I leak.

Each time I look away, I leak.

Each time I cannot pray, I leak.

Each time I forget to play, I leak.

Each time I waste a day, I leak.

Each time I stress over what may, I leak.

Each time I hold back what I say, I leak.

Each time I get angry and pace, I leak.

Each time I get tense in my face, I leak.

Each time I'm all over the place, I leak.

Each time I don't give myself space, I leak.

Each time I get on someone's case, I leak.

Each time I look at you with fear, I leak.

Each time I don't stop to hear, I leak.

Each time I escape with beer, I leak.

Each time I won't let you come near, I leak.

Each time I sell my soul, I leak.

Each time I don't feel whole, I leek.

Each time I make you a goal, I leak.

Each time I mindlessly stroke the pole, I leak.

Each time I smile fake, I leak.

Each time I forsake, I leak.

Each time I let myself flake, I leak.

Each time I live in the past, I leak.

Each time I pick my ass, I leak.

Each time I'm being a spaz, I leak.

Each time I'm afraid I won't last, I leak.

Each time I fight my funk, I leak.

Each time I seek to get drunk, I leak.

Each time I act like a punk, I leak.

Each time that I compare, I leak.

Each time I tap my hair, I leak.

Each time I wouldn't dare, I leak.

Each time I try to scare, I leak.

Each time I'm not really there, I leak.

Each time I do not care, I leak.

Each time I don't have time to spare, I leak.

Each time I look not to connect, but to stare, I leak.

Each time I can't lay my heart bare, I leak.

Each time I believe I'm in repair, I leak.

The little pricks

That make me sick

From where I stick

Needles into my own heart, I leak.

I drain, I leak,

In pain, I leak,

I complain, I leak,

Again, I leak.

1-18-2011

Each Step

2011-01-17T11:15:00.001-08:00

It starts with each step

From the train, to the platform, to the crosswalk light

Where you stand, waiting, possibly hoping

For someone to see you, to reach out and touch you,

Where I stand, seeing you, wondering

If I should reach out, and what I would say.

And then we walk down our own paths

No words between us,

As has happened at every step before.

It starts with each step

Into the yellow of the Los Angeles morning sun,

Past the sun bleached corn cob floating in a black gutter puddle,

Stepping over black spots of old gum on the sidewalk,

Stepping over the smeared feces likely not from a dog,

Past the smell of rotting cardboard,

Feeling a new lightness in my heart,

A solidness in my step.

It starts with each step

Past the market where poultry is freshly killed and sold,

Across the street light,

Into the rising yellow sunlight, warm for winter,

Stepping away from the heaviness, the constraint,

Stepping into a vision of connection,

When I see you, and our eyes meet,

And we share a brief moment, blurred by the sunshine,

And we continue moving - on our own - with each step.

A Walk to Work

2011-01-17T09:13:00.001-08:00

I'm walking from the train to work today and everything just feels different. My heart feels lighter, my step feels more solid, I feel more centered and connected. As I stand next to an attractive woman and we wait for the light to walk across the street, the feeling is different. In this moment, the reaching and evaluating is gone and we're just being in the moment. I'm open to a connection, but not needing anything, fully accepting of myself where I am and of this person where she is. In this case, she doesn't meet my gaze, and we continue on our separate paths.

I walk down a street littered with garbage on top of garbage. There's a corn cob floating on a puddle of stagnant water in the gutter. There are black spot of rotten gum stuck to the sidewalk. Food wrappings, matchbooks, paper, and other assorted garbage litter the street. There's an odor, a funk that smells of rotting cardboard, that wafts through the neighborhood. The stench of car and truck exhaust fills the air and the noise of the traffic on the busy street I'm walking along crowds my sense further, with the occasional sound of the trains and their whistles piercing through the din.

A bicyclist barely avoids me riding on the sidewalk. I dodge traffic as I step around a parked truck blocking the sidewalk. And I sidestep some feces I'm fairly certain did not come from a dog. On the way to work, I also pass a poultry store and smell feathers, chicken poop, rotten eggs and rotting chicken parts. There is also the scent of water evaporating from the sidewalk in front of the store whose owner dutifully washes his sidewalk.

And as I walk through all this, I feel a sense of peace, a sense of solidness in my core, the solidness of my feet on the ground, and a lightness in my heart. I pass by another woman, and our eyes meet, we share a momentary connection, and again return to our paths.

In this moment, the constantly racing thoughts in my head don't matter – I can pay them no mind. The burdens of the past are lifted as the effect of my internal shifts ripple through my being. Everything feels lighter, everything feels easier. I can act without this wall in front of me. I feel like I'm here, out in the world, present, being.

My Apology to the Divine Feminine

2011-01-12T13:26:00.001-08:00

To the Divine Feminine,

After going through much introspection and releasing of beliefs and past emotions that are no longer serving me, I am prepared to acknowledge how I have wronged you, and by extension have wronged myself, and to offer my sincere and heartfelt apology.

Throughout my conscious life, I have feared you. I held onto the belief that the feminine was something to be feared – that women were hurtful and wanted to disempower and control me; that my feeling hurt and disempowered by women when I was young was proof that women are hurtful; that femininity was something to be feared and either purged or hidden in myself, and made me less of a man; that femininity was something to be kept at arm's-length, lest I become "contaminated."

As a result of this fear, I denied you my full connection. In many cases, I was too afraid to even connect with you at all. In other cases, my energy was muffled or muted and you were denied my full energy and presence. As a result of this irrational fear, I denied you the opportunity to fully connect with me, to fully express your femininity with me in a place of safety, acceptance and trust. And I denied you the chance to be a part of me.

As much as I caused injury to you through my behavior, the injury to myself has been even more painful – detachment, fear, inauthentic behavior, loneliness, low self-esteem and heartache have been the wounds I've inflicted on myself.

I realize now this fear is irrational. I have brought resources into my life to heal my old wounds and replace this false and self-limiting belief with an empowering love and acceptance for the feminine, a recognition for the true value of the feminine, so I can go forward free from this irrational fear and have an authentic connection with you. I apologize for the pain and loss my past behavior caused you, and ask for your forgiveness and support as I walk a new path.

Through most of my adolescent and adult life, I have harbored anger and resentment toward you. I unfairly blamed you for my feeling disempowered; I accused you of causing me pain that was in fact the result of my own actions; I completely misjudged you, mistrusted you and demeaned you. I have surrounded myself with images and experiences that justify my anger and resentment, fishing for justification for my anger and associating with other angry and resentful energy.

While I mostly held myself out as a "nice guy," deep down I did not feel "nice." And this deep-seeded resentment came forth in many ways – deceit, withholding of my essence, objectification, demeaning and degrading behavior toward you, controlling behavior, passive-aggressive behavior, disrespect, even open hostility.

To make matters worse, I became very attached to my anger. I grew to love my anger more than I loved you. I felt connected to a brotherhood because of our shared anger toward the feminine; my anger allowed me to feel independent of the feminine; and my anger kept me from having to face the fear of being hurt by women,

Far from serving me, this anger has been my downfall. It's caused me to look in the mirror at a man I didn't recognize, and have to face up to the path of destruction I have caused to you, and to my own life. I could never fully trust, I could never genuinely connect, I could never really love while holding this anger. It saddens me to think of all the years I've spent in a diminished existence, causing pain in the world, all because I didn't want to let go of my anger.

As I let go of the fear, I could also let go of this anger – an anger that has been directed not only toward women but to my own being. I've brought resources into my life to take full responsibility for my life, to give up the addiction of a victim mentality, to feel whole inside, and to accept the world as it is. From there, I can now feel that place of lightness, of genuine love coupled with deep remorse.

I apologize for the pain I have inflicted on you, and for the pollution of negative energy that my attachment to anger and victimhood has brought on the universe. I ask for your forgiveness, and for your love as I go forward free from this anger addiction.

I hope that together we can move forward from here, healing and growing together in a place of respect, acceptance and love, and know that I love you with all my heart.

Love,

SPG

Apologizing to the Divine Feminine, Part 2: Releasing

2011-01-12T12:36:00.001-08:00

Last night I spent a lot of time being with the issues that were coming up during last night's teleconference. I didn't start writing an apology, because I know that, until these other things are resolved, any apology is going to be either incomplete or insincere. Since the primary point of an apology is to let go, an insincere apology is actually worse than no apology – you're simply adding another "wrong" to the pile, something else that's inauthentic and not serving you, and that's just one more thing you will have to release, on top of everything else.

So I've learned that true apologies should be done with a clean heart and with care. A lot of "things" came up during the call, and that's great – I know what's coloring my world. And I have the tools to let these go.

And it feels like such a relief just to have these issues out in the open! To honestly admit my fear of women and know the limiting belief that's causing that fear, to see all the limiting beliefs laid out before me and how they've been impacting my world, and to feel that sense that I have choice, that creating a new, healthy relationship with the feminine is now a choice for me, and how awesome that feels. I sat with the idea that I could do more than pay lip service to the Divine Feminine, I could repair my heart and have a completely different relationship with the feminine, both inside me and in the world around me.

So last night, I went through these beliefs and logically pulled them apart – I came up with counterexamples, I showed places where the opposite of that belief showed up in my life, and the absurdity of the beliefs themselves. I felt a lot of shifts take place from that exercise.

Then this morning, I went to work releasing these limiting beliefs. I connected with my ideal erotic archetype, my "inner Erotic Rockstar," looked him in the eye, and began exhaling, breathing out these limiting beliefs, exhaling the pain, exhaling the guilt, the low self-esteem, and breathing in a healthy connection with the feminine, breathing in the feeling of rightness with who I am and my masculinity, breathing in the knowing that I am responsible for my own feelings, that nobody can cut me down without my permission, that I have the resources to heal my old wounds, that women are not these horrible people, but good, flawed human beings, just as I am a good, flawed human being, and we're all walking our path. Breathing in my own personal power and that, not only are women not something to be afraid of, but breathing in the idea of being that container so women in my world can let go and be unafraid.

Breathing out needing a woman to be in control, and breathing in the container where a woman can be free of that responsibility, where she can surrender, where she's free of having to control, where she feels held. Breathing out the belief of sex as a survival mechanism, breathing in the feeling of sex as an emotional and spiritual connection. (I've actually done a lot of work on this, but this recent work made for even more of a shift.)

Breathing every last part of that bogus paradigm, the "power struggle" concept, breathing out every last fear of women, every last doubt in my abilities to handle whatever happens in the world, breathing in an acceptance in myself as I am and the world as it is.

It was a powerful shift. I pictured that place of being totally right with the Divine Feminine, that all the old issues and habits were gone and I was going through the world with all this lightness and such a closer connection to women, and to myself. And I feel myself moving into that world now, the lightness of letting that anger and fear go. The confidence of knowing who I am and seeing the true value in the "feminine" parts of me, the joy of fully appreciating the value of the feminine – in women, in the world.

Now… I'm ready to apologize J

Apologizing to the Feminine, Part 1: Acknowledging My Issues

2011-01-12T12:01:00.001-08:00

Last night's "Stepping Into Your Masculine Power" teleseminar with Destin Gerek was on "healing your relationship with the feminine." As a big part of this, Destin asked us to each write an apology to the Divine Feminine. Part of his inspiration came from a Facebook page here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Mens-Apologies-to-the-Divine-Feminine/158918134141565?ref=ts&v=info

I felt a lot of anger come up as we were discussing this – a lifetime of anger toward women. Anger that's masking a deep fear of women. And part of me felt righteous in my anger and justified in my fear. I was getting a huge payoff for being angry and fearful toward women – look at all the messaging in society that confirms this "battle of the sexes" mentality. I got a sense of righteousness, a feeling of belonging (brotherhood of men), and a feeling of connectedness with my father.

This last one is interesting, because my father had a "power struggle" view of male-female relationships, which is very similar to the "alpha" model put forth by the "Pick-Up Community," and sounds a lot like the "don't-give-away-your-power" mantra I read when I followed David DeAngelo. It's this concept that men and women are locked in this constant power struggle, that women seek to devalue and control men and men need to be constantly defending themselves from this onslaught.

Hidden in this paradigm is the insidious message that "masculine is better than feminine," and that men should be vigilant against allowing themselves to become too polluted with the feminine. Men should generally be separate from women and seek to purify themselves of feminine qualities. In this world, being athletically and physically superior is important and a sign of high status. I myself wasn't very good at sports and didn't care for most competitive sports much, so I got branded with the "sissy" lablel.

It took me a long time to come to terms with who I am and realize that my unique style of masculinity, free from self-doubt or any attempt to be something I'm not, is actually quite powerful and very attractive to women. Far from being a "wussy," my emotional connectedness, my appreciation of things like writing, poetry and individual sports and physical activities (fishing, skiing, skydiving, meditation), and my relational paradigm that focused on acceptance and not some perceived "power struggle," was very "manly," and very well-received by women.

But even before I came to terms with who I am, I had made a decision that I wasn't going to relate to women the way my father did. I wanted real emotional and spiritual connection with the woman I was going to be living with and sharing my life with. However, I adopted his paradigm of how women are. So I carried around a fear of women, along with a desire for emotional and spiritual connection with women, and a belief that what I was doing was "less manly," but I would accept that compromise in my self-worth for the better quality of my relationship with women.

All this led to, well, a pretty paralyzing fear of women, who were these scary people looking to cut men's nuts off at the first opportunity, according to my paradigm (and a LOT of men's paradigm, whether they'll admit it or not – that whole "women are b*tches" BS stems from this fear). And I had some very real wounds from when I was very young and didn't have the resources to deal with being "cut down" by a woman. My mom was overall a good person, but she could be very demeaning, very controlling, and pretty unkind at times. And since I was too young to deal with it properly, it dropped in and carried forward, uniting with this "us-versus them" model.

This led to me being very passive and "following" in relationships – except in the bedroom. When it came to sex, I figured out that women are turned on by men who take control sexually. And it was VERY important that I not just satisfy the woman in my life, but be her *best ever*. It wasn't a matter of pride, or wanting to enhance my life, it was a matter of survival. And being *really good* offered me mostly a sense of relief. It led me to stay far too long in unhappy and unsatisfying relationships – first because I spent almost no time even thinking about what makes me happy and second because the fear of going back out there and facing the terror of the "feminine unknown" frightened me too much.

All this led to a general resentment of women and particularly of the women in my life. I needed their control, and I hated them for controlling me. (Ironically enough, the women hated controlling me, too, but took on that role because they so loved the emotional, spiritual and sexual connections.)

So summing up the "Issues" that came up for me that I needed to release on in order to open up and apologize to the Divine Feminine:

A belief that the old-school "alpha" model of masculinity is the "most manly," and that I'm being "less of a man;"
A belief that femininity is "less valuable" than masculinity
A belief that women and men naturally relate to each other in an adversarial, "winner-take-all" power struggle game, and if you're not actively engaged in this power struggle, it's only because one of you has given up and "lost the battle."
A belief that women are hurtful people who enjoy cutting down men, and have the ability to do so without the man have any means to keep it from happening.
A belief that, to be emotionally connected with women, I must first reduce my self-worth and allow myself to be controlled.
A belief that I do not have the resources to heal old wounds, that I'm a victim, and that I'm justified in being angry with women.

Replaying My Voice and the Opportunity for Growth and Acceptance

2011-01-10T10:31:00.001-08:00

I find it incredibly valuable to hear my speaking played back to me, it really clarifies how I'm showing up, the places where I'm growing and the opportunities for further growth.

As I'm transcribing the first "Stepping Into Your Masculine Sexual Power" teleconference, I'm also listening to how I spoke on the call and, wow, what a great insight.

In many ways, I've grown a lot, in terms of communicating more powerfully over the phone. More direct, more strength, more focused, less "charge" when I'm speaking, which allows for more flexibility in the moment.

The funny thing is, others listening on the call might be surprised to hear me saying this. The phone used to be a huge weakness for me, and still is an opportunity for growth, but I don't consider it a roadblock anymore, the way it used to be for me.

I've had some powerful experiences on the phone recently, particularly in the sexual arena, so there are times when my "phone voice" has become a powerful strength and where I'm able to bring myself fully into my phone conversations in an authentic, and very effective, way. This is a new evolution for me.

And still, I find there are places where I am leaking energy. Lots of um's, like's, places where I'm unconsciously leaking energy. Much as there are these places in my everyday life – nervous movements, places where I distract myself either with actions or thoughts. One of the ways I've noticed my growth is, first, well, there are fewer of them, second, I have awareness around them and third and most importantly, I'm fully accepting who I am right now.

I used to wince at hearing my voice played back to me, it was painful for me to hear and see how I was showing up. Now I actually enjoy hearing myself played back and seeing myself on video. A lot of this is because I'm a lot more congruent and authentic, so it looks and sounds a lot better, and a lot also is my self-acceptance, I'm just happier being who I am right now, even with my imperfections.

And this is really where I've wanted to be in my life – in that place where I can enjoy being, and have the level of self-acceptance and commitment to growth to go back and "replay" those moments, from a place of full self-acceptance and self-love, and look for opportunities to grow, without beating myself up over it.

Do I have the level of self-acceptance to show up like this in all areas of my life? How about when I'm interacting with women, or having sex? I can, although there's more tendency to want to shrink away, because there's more charge around it. Also there's more of a feeling that "this is REALLY important," as if it has some bearing on my identity. Which of course it really doesn't. At its purest, these encounters have the potential to be a full expression of my identity, even of my very essence, my soul… and that's what I'm striving towards, interactions that are pure, authentic, not "reviewing game film" to see if my technique is correct, but places where, well, I'm not being real… which, yah, is a form of "reviewing game film," but with a different eye.

And the thing is, I know when it works, when I'm letting go of the BS and being authentic, and when it's not. And as I give myself the time and space to make mistakes, I find more of those moments when it's "right on," and more insight into how I got there. And I just feel better – about myself, about what I'm doing – which I'm sure is a big reason why listening to myself on tape is enjoyable now, instead of being a form of self-torture.

Releasing Limiting Beliefs: Emotionally-Connected Core Revisited, Boundaries

2011-01-06T12:40:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I wrote how I released limiting beliefs around my core emotional connection, releasing beliefs around how I'm "supposed" to be and issues I had with my perception of my father's disapproval, and seeing myself as a "wimp." I want to further explain my last post and offer a perspective that might help a lot of men.

I'm not "rebelling against my dad." I actually hold my father in very high esteem, as my dad and as a male role model. His model of masculine and his model of relating to women is very much in line with the David DeAngelo "Cocky and Funny" model. For those who have read his works, there is a theme of, well, a power struggle. My interpretation of DD's work is guys should be… a little emotionally detached, make fun of women, arrogant humor. There's a certain "arm's length" with women in this world, and kind of a calculated disconnectedness.

Obviously, DD is speaking to guys who are dealing with attachment and neediness, looking for women to solve issues in themselves, so he's teaching men to learn to stand on their own feet. His work as value, but it never resonated with me.

The problem for me is, this model reinforced my perception that my dad's way of relating to women was "the right way," that this was the way to be an attractive, "masculine" man in the world, and that my internal disagreement with this model was my "neediness and wussiness" coming out, and that I just needed to change in order to be truly happy.

Meanwhile, in my dating life, I was finding very powerful connection with women from my emotionally-connected core. What was getting in the way was self-doubt, attachment and a lack of boundaries. But because I had this limiting belief that my core way of being was "wimpy," these experiences got convoluted into a belief that there was something wrong with the women, that they were desperate, or that they weren't really into me.

The truth is my emotionally connected core is my essence, my gift. It's not "the one truth," there are lots of different flavors out there. My dad's works for him, and my mom. It also works for David DeAngelo and a lot of his customers. But mine works for me, and a lot of women. And once I embraced my truth, celebrated my core essence, and let go of the self-doubt and issues of needing validation or approval, I feel solid and in my core, that I've finally made peace with my own masculinity. And just the past day of stepping into this, I can see the difference in the reactions from women I meet, and how I'm relating to them, and how I feel about the interactions. Everything is much more pure and feels really solid and powerful.

Now, that's not to say "yay, I've have my breakthrough," and now I'm totally 100% in my true essence. It's that I found this place, that I know how to get there, and I can sweep away all the BS that comes up between me and my essence. And when it's "on," it's noticeable. Very noticeable, both internally and externally. And I also have clarity around what it is and what was holding me back.

Today what's coming up for me are limiting beliefs around boundaries… and boy, talk about a steep part of my path!

"Setting boundaries" is something that has been a real edge for me, and the lack of boundaries in my life has led to huge leakages in my essence, frustration, anger and being far off my true path.

I would include in this category things like distractions – doing things that are not on my purpose, are not serving me, nervous gestures. Also obligations and things I'm doing out of habit that are not serving me.

And… it's a lot of stuff. I've been living a lot of my life out of obligation, not serving myself. I've been letting my body and mind direct me, through unhelpful thought and emotional tangents, nervous gestures, allowing myself to be distracted, just being checked out and not connected to my purpose and my truth.

So today's releasing is about exhaling the limiting beliefs about obligations, about my habits, about how I'm being, and inhaling my purpose and my inner truth. It's also about taking action to connect more powerfully with that truth, assert my boundaries, and focus on what matters to me.

And as I'm working through this today, I'm feeling anxious, because I can feel that pull to distract myself, to check out, to be in my head, to let others direct me. So this is a real challenge, but I can see the rewards of getting through this and living in integrity are far more than worth the effort.

First off, I'm redirecting my energy that's going into noticeable nervous movements and thought patterns. I'm also disciplining myself away from Internet and the iPhone, away from feeling obligated to email or text and acting from my truth in how I'm spending my time.

I'm also setting boundaries on people who are encroaching on my time and energy, and redirecting my service to those who I've promised to serve and where my energy is being spent in alignment with my truth.

Stepping Into My Masculine Sexual Power – Turning A Corner

2011-01-05T18:04:00.001-08:00

I contemplated putting up a big "catching up" post, which I might do, but decided it was more important that I get the immediate thoughts and feelings down before talking about the past.

I began my latest journey in Desten Gerek's "Stepping Into Your Masculine Sexual Power" (you can find out more at www.eroticrockstar.com)

I should begin by saying I recently made the intention a couple months back on my birthday to make this the time to powerfully step into my authentic self, to fully break away from the negative, limiting beliefs and patterns and fully embrace my incredible sexual power. I'd recently been having really good success with shifting my mindset in the moment and powerfully visualizing myself into higher and higher states of success in certain areas.

This course came at just the right time, a manifestation of my intention. I had gone through some challenges and was ready to move forward powerfully, taking the lessons I'd learned at the end of 2009 and through 2010 and bringing this out in an amazing way. So this teleseminar really resonated.

The first lesson was about releasing limiting beliefs, and as if by design, I was parked on the street engaged in the call when another car pulled in a couple spaces behind me and the couple, well, started having sex in the backseat. So I'm trying to stay engaged in the call, which itself is bringing up limiting beliefs. Destin is talking about his experience having an amazing connection with a beautiful women on New Years Eve and all the things that went along with it… so I'm working through issues of feeling not good enough, envy, wanting to "be like Destin" and wondering how to make that happen for me, some sadness at my current predicament…

Then I can see some of what the couple behind me is doing from my rear-view mirror, which is bringing up a charge – feelings of envy, anxiety and self-doubt.

So all this is going on and when it comes time to release, surprisingly… I release! I mean really released all this pretty intense stuff that I'd been carrying for a long, long time. I actually felt dizzy from the experience it was such an intense experience.

I grounded and did some free writing later that night. I woke up feeling… unsettled. Interestingly, what was coming up were issues around my father. I'd always considered my relationship with my dad to be pretty good overall. What was coming up was getting clarity around, well, some big differences as I saw them.

I recall my dad being pretty harsh and controlling with my mom and I remember not liking the way he treated her. He wasn't abusive, but he also wasn't emotionally connected and he was… kind of a hardass.

Also I recall my desire from very early on to create space for emotional connection and gentle qualities. I imagined that my dad saw this as kind of "weak," and I went through times when I was ashamed of my nature and saw myself as a wimp or a wussy.

What I later realized was that I was not an approval-seeking wussy, but this was my core being, a "gentle strength," and emotional connectedness that, in its pure form, was POWERFULLY attractive to women. And it was my core being, not a reaction to my dad, just who I am.

But I always had this inner conflict between my core being and my belief this was wussy or less-than masculine. So this morning, I found clarity around this, that this is my source of masculine strength, that removing the doubt, removing the "disapproving dad," and the residual "rebelling against dad" aspects, and fully embracing this core, I'm standing in my pure sexual power.

So I began releasing on this and the universe just kept handing me evidence today that this is my truth, that this "gentle strength," my emotional core, is my pure essence… and DAMN sexy. I could actually picture myself standing in this essence, and picture the women around me seeing this core and responding… very powerfully. ("Very powerfully" would be an understatement.)

Again, this is all coming back to my intention. And as I checked in with my ideal erotic archetype, he told me I've turned the corner and taken that first step. Just focus on the next step. And then the next. And soon enough, you'll be way down that new path and the regrets about the "wasted years" and being this old and "not being where I want to be" will be distant memories as I keep moving more and more into this amazing truth and see that everything has come into place like this for a reason, at the time that was right for me.

Switching Perspective – Revising My Recent Posts

2010-12-29T17:31:00.001-08:00

I just had a realization that may be useful to other guys. I've realized that my recent posts are, in one way or another, still in the "external validation" frame. There's an underlying lack of self-esteem running through them.

And I realize that I have been letting myself take my wife's words and behaviors personally – deeply personally, as if they were a measurement of my worth as a man.

But they're not. What she says and does is not a measurement of my worth. Her actions and words might not even be valuable feedback. What her actions and words are is information about who she is and how she is treating me. Certainly there is some feedback – how I am being received, how my actions are affecting her. And an opportunity to adjust my behaviors, if I choose to do so.

But other than that, it's all about her.

So the questions become, do I deserve a woman who needs to get hit on by other men to feel good about herself, or do I deserve a woman who is comfortable with who she is as a woman and doesn't need the external validation? A question for myself which goes with that is, which kind of man would I prefer to be?

Do I deserve a woman who doesn't communicate what's wrong but instead trashes me in her writings and to her friends while pretending things are great, or do I deserve a woman whose open and honest? And which kind of man would I rather be?

Do I deserve a woman who only diets when she's trying to flirt with men and get attention to boost her ego, or do I want a woman whose committed to her health and wants to look great, for herself, all the time? And which kind of man do I want to be?

Do I deserve a woman who is demanding and disrespectful of my time, or a woman who adores and admires me? Do I deserve a woman who expects me to prove my worth to her, or a woman who really enjoys having me in her life and loves me for who I am, not what I have done for her lately?

Do I deserve a woman who is … *pretty* sexual… or a woman who is *very* sexual, and who is very attracted to and satisfied by me?

When I look at it as feedback, instead of an evaluation of my inner worth, everything gets very clear. So that's the shift, that's the lesson.

Nothing’s Changed

2010-12-29T14:06:00.001-08:00

A lot has changed with me but… as far as my marriage… nothing has really changed.

It sucks when you realize someone is two-facing you, and in the same way I was being two-faced a year ago. I could kick myself for being a fool, but I won't. First of all, that does no good. Second, I chose to give her the benefit of the doubt. She said she wrote things out of frustration because of the stressful state of our marriage.

Well, here we are, a year later, a LOT less stressful, and I've changed a lot – not for her, but she's getting the benefit – and she's saying the same things to other people and in writings that crop up here and there. She thinks my family is toxic and can't stand that I – get this – actually want to see my parents and brothers. And that I bring my son. Apparently she also can't stand our son playing with his older brother, who she still can't manage one nice, or even mildly empathetic, thing to say about.

Nothing's changed. Either the well has been poisoned beyond repair or she's just not the kind of person I thought she was – well, she might be a great person, but she hasn't been a great person toward me. And nothing's changed.

Still trashing me to her friends. Still wanting to diet to look good for other guys. Still looking for ego gratification from flirting and welcoming men to hit on her to boost her ego. Still not telling me the truth.

I went through all that personal transformation for me, entirely for me. I hoped it would turn our marriage around. It won't. Some things can't be fixed. She's got it in her mind that it's okay to treat me with contempt behind my back, that it's okay for her to make a complete ass of herself around her coworkers.

I can't say I'm surprised to find out it's the same as always, that this is just who she is, at least as far as I'm concerned. I'm deeply disappointed and disillusioned. I had thought better of her, and of our marriage. Now I'm seeing the entire thing is crap. It's all a fucking joke. She's got it in her mind that I'm detestable and she's just looking for every little thing to justify her hatred.

She doesn't love me. I don't even think she likes me. You can't love someone you thoroughly disrespect. I'm not sure what keeps her around – I think it's because I help out a lot with our son, getting him ready and taking him to school, helping out a lot on the weekends, equal financial support, watching him while she checks out and sleeps all weekend, or is nursing another back injury. She likes that my son and I have a good relationship, as do I. She likes the convenience I bring to the relationship. Apparently she's attracted to me at a physical level, but I feel like I'm more of just a way for her to get her rocks off than a man she truly loves and desires.

I should never have allowed a relationship with this kind of disrespect to go on. When she was pregnant and pulling this junk, I should have just left then and really meant it. All the sticking around did was encourage more of that kind of disrespect and hatred from her. I don't deserve this, nobody does, and the longer I sit in this pile of shit, the longer it's going to take to get through this and move on with my life.

Nothing has changed, and it never will. It's time to go.

Finding My Path

2010-12-14T14:07:00.001-08:00

The more I explore my sexuality and discover different experiences, the more I'm convinced that I'm far more in alignment as the "other man" than in a stale relationship. I'd rather be having a hot affair with a woman than be her husband. And the last thing I would want to be is the "boring husband," or the "family guy." I love my kids, but I'm at home being a lone wolf or a bachelor for life than being a "family man." I'm finding that the whole "companionship" thing is very, very overrated.

I don't know why ANY guy want that… to be transformed from an exciting, vibrant man into a boring, castrated guy who gets cheated on…? My mission with my work is to empower men to keep growing and stepping more into that exciting, vibrant man on his path, letting go of those unhealthy attachments that drag us into that swamp of blandness and mediocrity.

I want to find those guys who are like the husband of the woman with a "secret boyfriend" and help them rediscover their masculine core. The "boring husband" isn't born, he's made, through years of compromising his integrity and trying to please the woman in his life.

Like I've said, us Scorpios don't do "medium." And I've been stuck in "medium" in my marriage and it's literally draining the life out of me. The more I dive into more authentic roles, the more I get back to that artist inside me, and feel like a living person again. I want that for everybody.

The Dark Side

2010-12-08T14:31:00.001-08:00

I'm in a bad place today. Everything's bringing up anger or jealousy, or just a cynical funk. Part of it is my own doing – I did a self-hypnosis to clean out the anxieties and fears that keep me awake and keep me from doing what I want to do. It's bringing up a lot of stuff as I clear things out.

The other is the reality of how resentful I am in my marriage, how fucking sick I am of all the BS, of how much hurt and disappointment I've been sitting on that's converted to anger and resentment, and it needs to come out.

I'm really down on marriage right now – on my marriage and the whole institution in general.

Even my sexual side is dark and primal right now… not that it's a bad thing to feel that desire to grab my woman, carry her to the bed, hold her down and ravish her, fuck her hard and deep with pure animal passion… just don't talk to me.

Nothing's landing well for me today. It's either jealousy or anger or this deep cynical resentment coming out. It needs to come out – clear out the junk – but I'm in that bad place

Been Too Long

2010-12-03T14:58:00.001-08:00

I'd been trying to create this "public" self, but I'm still feeling this need to have a space for more personal or off-topic commentary and self-reflection. So I'm returning to this blog, for whoever wants to read it… it's mostly for my personal benefit. The "awesome advice and insight" will go on the WordPress blog.

Around my birthday, which was fairly recent, I'd been feeling this depression – this sad, deeply regretful feeling. The birthday served as a catalyst for my coming to terms with the unacceptable and saddening amount of dysfunction and lack of alignment in my life.

There are a lot of examples, but none more glaring than the suffering of my oldest son. He had been spending every other weekend with me since I moved in with my wife, and every one of those weekends was somewhere between stressful and nerve-wracking and a complete train wreck. She can say what she wants, but my wife could not fully accept that I had this child in my life, and yes, he was from a different woman, who was still around, because that's how "parenting" works. Every weekend felt like a subtle, or not-too-subtle, test of loyalty – was I fully committed to her, as demonstrated by my shunning my son and his mom in some obvious way – or was I a bad husband? Was I sufficiently doting on my youngest son while my oldest was around, lest I be playing favorites?

All these tests and, sadly, I failed them, by giving my wife what she wanted, instead of doing what was right in my heart. In the end, my oldest son became too stressed to deal with staying with me and the weekend visits were ended by his mom. The whole thing was such a stressful nightmare to me that I chose not to fight to regain his weekend visits – to do so would have meant me basically ending my marriage. Instead, I made what I now believe to be a very regretful choice – staying in the marriage at the expense of my relationship with my oldest son.

And this decision was largely because of the great relationship I've developed with my younger son, and how much I would miss having that closeness with him, especially in these early years.

Another dysfunction has been my family, and this one is tricky. On the one hand, my parents have been pretty unreasonable to me and on the other hand my wife has been pretty unreasonable to me. The end result is every visit with my parents results in a fight with my wife, and used to involve a fight with my parents, but that part's gotten better. I realized on my birthday how much I miss my family – they live fairly close by, but I rarely see them. Again, this is about me putting aside what I want for myself and my life, to "keep the peace," and that decision has not made me happy.

A third place of regret is the place I live – the place I have barely tolerated living for over three and a half years. I never wanted to live in this apartment – her apartment that I basically moved into at the last minute after she told me she was pregnant – and I have been miserable the entire time. It's small; the landlord is a creepy, bigoted asshole; his son is a creepy loser who has been dating one of the tenants for years (and she has a sweetheart rent agreement, go figure); the rest of the neighbors actually get more circus freakish from there; there is no parking in the neighborhood; she never picks up after herself and the place is a disgusting, disorganized mess; and on and on. A lot of the work I do to help build myself up is basically going to re-energize myself, to make up for all the energy being sucked out of me from this living situation.

All of these were my choices, all are big dysfunctions in my life, and all have been going on for far too long, draining my energy and creating a lot of regret in my life. As difficult as it is, I desperately need to create a living situation that actually works for me, and not against me.

There's more. A lot more. All this "inner game" work has underscored the unacceptable lack of alignment in my life right now, and the need for drastic change which likely won't be easy and will create a lot more stress and dysfunction in the short term.

And the thought of that… and the realization that I'm another year older on top of that… is very depressing.

Hero Transformation is Here!

2010-09-10T22:24:00.000-07:00

"The Phone Booth" is here! The MIND-BLOWING system to help you transform into THE MAN, into that amazing, sexy HERO you were made to be, is ready and up for sale!

Get your copy at www.herotransformation.com

If you're not sure yet, you can get a free copy of "Transformational Tools," a 44-page transformational eBook based on "The Phone Booth," to get a taste of what you'll be getting in the system.

New Blog

2010-08-19T12:43:00.001-07:00

I've been super busy trying to get things done and make progress in this new life. A big part of that is committing to getting my amazing eBook out, so guys can start making the big changes in their lives that I've been making. As part of this, I've created a shiny new blog. This is where most of my information now will be going. I might play with this blog for other things, and you're welcome to keep coming back, but for the "good stuff," you'll want to go here:

www.herotransformation.wordpress.com

Gounding Practice - Establishing Presence

2010-08-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

Becoming the Hero - Thanks CP!

2010-08-13T11:40:00.000-07:00

Are You A Leader or a Tool?

2010-08-13T11:37:00.000-07:00

Stepping Into My Inner Hero

2010-08-11T19:15:00.001-07:00

Everything these days is coming together in an amazing way, lighting my path, moving me further along my evolution, clarifying my purpose.

This past weekend, I finally gained some clarity around an old issue that had been unnecessarily bothering me. Now I realize how much I'd been seeing myself in a very, very negative light. I could let go. And I could start really stepping into my greatness. I still haven't fully embodied my greatness, not even close!

Then I happened to meet someone who helped me clarify my passion for writing, that this is the time to start making money with my writing, and moreover – clarified my purpose. "The world needs heroes." It sure does, more than ever. And it's time for me to be the hero in me, and bring the hero out in others – and I know how to do that! And in connecting with that purpose, I found more of that "inner hero" in me!

And this was at the same time I was discussing purpose with Destin for our writing project. Wow.

Something else magical happened. I reconnected with an old friend who has recently gone through a very physically and emotionally traumatic experience. I "text coached" her and she experienced a big shift. She could once again see the good in men through her connection with me.

Even the things that seem like "setbacks" are markers on this path. The possible job offer keeps getting postponed, the opportunities right now are few, and this is just further proof that God is telling me to write, find my purpose, finish this stage in my evolution.

Today I registered my website, came up with my business name, began rewriting my book with the new title and purpose, which is really just clarifying the true purpose of the book – to bring out the hero inside every man. And in doing so, I'm being the hero I was meant to be.

This is my time!

Abundance: “Excess” Mindset and Magnetic Attraction

2010-08-09T11:40:00.001-07:00

The other day I had this dream where I had two very attractive women who were with me and totally into me, and I was bumping into women everywhere who wanted to be with me. It was at the point where it was a little too much, a little past abundance and into "excess," that it was actually a pain in the ass experiencing this much attraction.

I decided to feel into that feeling of "excess" when I woke up, because it's the feeling I want to embody, whatever my reality in this moment is. And as I felt into that feeling… first, I stopped "reaching" with my gaze, and second, women started trying to get my attention.

Energy wise, it was WAYYYYY easier. It was a feeling that I didn't have to give anything of myself, and I could just be with my energy, instead of radiating it out. It was an experience of feeling that women would be attracted just being in my presence, whatever I did.

And in a weird way, it felt like the experiences I used to have when I was a lot younger. It seems the "problem" then was that I thought things had to be a certain "way," that I had to act a certain way. And back then, I didn't understand the signals.

I'm realizing this whole thing is a lot easier than I've been making it to be. All I really needed to do back then, when I thought I was so lousy, was to accept myself and recognize the cues around me, which again was largely a matter of accepting that I deserved this attraction and didn't have to do anything to make it happen. It really was a pretty small shift, just being myself, being happy with myself, and paying attention.

Breathing and Attraction

2010-08-09T11:24:00.001-07:00

I recently did a killer breath work practice with Destin Gerek – and when his killer book comes out, you can experience it too J

Since then I've realized where I haven't been bringing my breath into things. So lately I've been really breathing into my balls, breathing deeply.

And as I started doing just that… I've been feeling more relaxed and people look at me differently. I see more respect from men and attention from women. All just from bringing my breath into my being.

Don't forget to breathe. Very important.

Invitation Into Nothing, from Zan Perrion

2010-08-05T22:29:00.001-07:00

*For a link to Zan's work, see the sidebar.*

"I put invitations into the world... and I leave them out there"

- Zan Perrion

Being around Zan I have noticed he has a very particular way of inviting. Usually, there are two ways we tend to invite a woman to join us; Zan however, does something completely different, and the way he invites is very sypmtomatic of the way he looks at life and his relationships with women. Zan has said that putting invitations into the world is the essence and foundation of his whole philosophy.

There are three ways that men will ask a woman out on a date - three levels, as Zan describes it.

The first level is asking a girl out, then creating a date you hope she likes. We ask a girl out, hope she accepts, and when she does, we then create a date around her acceptance. We hope then she will like the date with us more than the other dates she has been on. This is the way we usually invite a girl, and it is better than not inviting at all. However, on this first level, we still tend to be "asking" for something. We can say this is the regular date, a date completely dependent upon her acceptance of your invitation.

Then we get some more experience or follow some dating advice that says: invite her to something you are already doing. In other words, invite her to join us in an activity we already planned. Men find this is much better than simply "asking" her out. It is a great improvement from the regular 'dating frame', and most dating coaches advise this type of invitation. It gives the impression that we already are doing interesting things and have a fun life, and not just simply waiting for her to accept a date with us so we have something to do.

Zan however, does something completely different, one step further. He invites a girl into nothing. As he puts it:

"I don't ask a girl out. Or if she is free. Or if she would like to go for coffee. Or what she is doing later. Instead, I simply present an invitation. And I do so without any presumption or expectation. I will say something like, 'There's something about you... and I don't know what it is... cancel your plans tonight and come visit me.' And I will say this very early in the interaction - sometimes even as the opener! I always say it with a smile, and with delight! And without apology. In other words, I don't try anything. I am not out for any specific result. I am not asking her for anything. I am simply inviting. I am completely open to all outcomes, and attached to none. And when she says, 'Uh... but what are we going to do?' I answer, 'That's a good question. I have no idea, I haven't even thought that far ahead yet... come visit me!' Ease and delight..."

This is an invitation into nothing. Nothing special is planned... you are simply inviting her into the event of you and her. You and her - THAT is the event.

The invitation into nothing is truly powerful. It is leading. It is confident. The invitation into nothing means you are inviting her into the presence of you! You are inviting her into your world. It makes no difference whatsoever what it is that you do. You invite her into nothing...

Not all women will accept your invitation, of course, but they will all find it "refreshing" to hear, and the right ones for you will accept.

To put invitations out there and leave them, is a great way to show up in the world. Women will never be offended by a man who invites her into his presence - as long as he does it with respect and without presumption or expectation. It is different, and it will set you apart from other men.

*Now my thoughts – I find it interesting that we have become so brainwashed into the "dating" model that Zan's idea would be "radical." Doesn't his way seem natural, the way it should be? I've done this "accidentally" with women, where everything just felt so natural, we dropped what we were doing to just be, because we wanted to explore this connection. How relaxing, refreshing, romantic and damn natural! It's kind of sad society is where it is today, that his approach would be considered a "technique," sort of like belly breathing is a "technique." As far as "techniques that shouldn't be techniques" go, Zan's is outstanding.*

An Amazing Shift Process – Transforming Into a Sexually Confident Mindset

2010-08-04T15:04:00.001-07:00

As much amazing success as I've had with empowering my sexuality, there's still been this part of me that just hasn't stepped up. Just this nagging doubt, this small-minded old self that would always worry about premature ejaculation and compared myself unfavorably with other guys. Even as I have learned this energy work, presence, multiple orgasms, so many things, it would still be there, doubting me, sabotaging me.

Today I tried a three-part technique that created an amazing shift, such an amazing shift that it was cathartic. I cried, because I felt had changed and this giant weight had finally been lifted. After that moment, my whole attitude toward sex, toward my sexuality, toward women, toward my sexual empowerment, became something different. It's created secondary shifts – such as a shift away from ego-driven need for sex and validation, this total relaxation into being and no longer having to try and prove my manhood (or lack thereof) through sex, because I was lacking somewhere else.

Three Parts: Visualization, TAT (with breath and sound), and Grounding Integration

The first part seems simple enough – visualization. But for me I couldn't actually SEE myself being an exceptional lover who was totally free from all the old issues, totally embodied and present, and just enjoying life and sharing energy with his partner. I stumbled upon something that helped. I asked myself "How would I feel if I could see myself totally confident, embodied and present in sex, free from all my old doubts and worries?" I felt how it would feel to be able to visualize that. Of course, it felt great!

That shift allowed me to visualize this way of being, a place of total peace and embodiment, free from all the old BS that was still sort of lingering around. I felt into that more and more, it felt great, it felt DOABLE, for the first time. I've found if you can picture the new belief system, and feel yourself living it, you can make a shift very quickly, because it feels natural, it feels "like me," whereas the old, doubtful way feel artificial by comparison.

So I felt "new" and "old," and felt into that part that was the "negative" portion – the part that believed I was less valuable than other men, not as good a lover, that I was doomed to premature ejaculation, on and on. Granted, this part had been pretty much a non-issue for a while, and I've made AMAZING strides this year, REALLY amazing, but I was still operating off this negative platform when there's another way. So now it was time to let go of the "old," to allow the old wounds to heal, and move on.

TAT With Sound for Release

TAT stand for Tapas Acupressure Technique. It's fairly simple and there are a few free examples on the Internet. You can get one at www.yangtown.com with the free ebook they provide, which has other cool techniques as well.

I used my "old beliefs and mindset around my sexuality" as the "thing" I wanted to release. As I began, I felt into that painful part, that self-pitying part that gets a little "payoff" for being like this. I started the release and began breathing very deeply. As I'd exhale, I'd use a lot of sound to "push" the negative crap out and visualize the negative energy going up my spine and out my mouth. Wow, this really enhanced the TAT technique! And it's not covered in the Yang Town material.

So you breathe in deeply, into your belly, into your balls, focusing on the steps, and exhaling, letting out a deep, resonant sound that helps direct the negative energy and emotions up the spine and out the mouth while using your intention to feel the energy moving out. Continue this as you go through all the steps. Holy fuck, it really worked! That shit was gone!

Grounding and Integration

Then return to slow, deep breathing, feeling my feet connected to the ground, my butt and legs connected to the chair, feeling into that "new me," that sexually confident, issues-free me. Really feeling into that man, that realization that I've made a transition, allowing everything to shift and change to reflect the new reality. After a few minutes, everything kind of clicked and I felt I was free of the old BS. And that had been such a weight around my neck, to be free of it felt like being let go from a prison. I broke down. Rarely have I ever felt such a sense of certainty that things had changed.

ESE Changes

During my erotic self-exploration later on, I felt into this "new me," and found myself being a LOT more vocal. I found myself embodying a lot of the attitudes and techniques the masters talk about, feeling into my embodiment, sound, sexy talk, presence, and a feeling of masculine dominance, that I'm taking her on an amazing ride, and it's my ride. Instead of thinking and consciously applying these things, I was BEING them. (I know, still practice, but SOOOO different.)

I feel like this is the starting point for a whole new erotic life, that I've finally crossed that bridge, and I owe it to these three steps.

Finding Inspiration to Change from Challenges

2010-08-03T11:17:00.001-07:00

In one sense, things haven't been going well. I've been dealing with a lot of doubts and questions about my life, I've had job and financial challenges recently, marital issues, issues with my older son and questions about so many things. I've been spending a lot of time inside, dealing with bullshit, not writing enough, not giving enough attention to my real purpose, being drained, feeling very worried and stressed, being out of alignment. So in the "external" sense, things haven't been going so hot.

But internally, I've been working through all these things, sitting in the fire, finding my true core. I've been subtly, and not so subtly, integrating some of the lessons I've been learning, through my own inquiry, through my work with Destin (which isn't coaching, but they're "micro-lessons"), through other teachings. And going through all these challenges, facing my fears, really questioning things, has led to some deep, fundamental shifts.

And that's where I'm at now, going through a personal rebirth. I'm seeing the man I aspire to be is living in a completely different plane of reality. At some point, my journey to him is going to involve something very dramatic and worldview-altering. I could feel moments when I go into that other world, where my whole belief system is just turned on its ass. Now I'm sensing this is the moment I'll be making that jump.

It probably feels like a broken record, but each dramatic shift has led to another. Even with all those shifts, there were things that were holding me back, places out of alignment. But they were big. I'm really, really happy with my journey so far.

But this feels… ginormous. A whole different mindset, a whole different me. And all these challenges, all this sitting in the fire, it taking me here.

Away from that whining, "this isn't fair" mindset, away from the "what's going to happen" fears, away from worrying how I'm being received.

It's already happening, this new attitude.

And it's crazy how the universe is responding. Remember I wrote about how I was being pursued by women without actually being around women? It's gotten worse – I'm even more out of alignment these days, around women less. And more women are finding me! Two things from this, first, this is the universe confirming my true path, and second, it's time for a serious realignment.

Big things are happening. Big.

Having Kids – From Mike at Seduction Revolution

2010-08-01T13:27:00.001-07:00

A very timely (for me) email from Mike at www.seductionrevolution.com

Timely for me because I'm coming to some realizations about the "marriage-and-kids" thing… I'd say "crock of shit," but I'm going to wait before wading in with my own opinion. Needless to say, I'm going through a lot of serious questions in my mind, which is a part of the transformation process.

Here's Mike's email:

Every guy who has sex with a woman faces a question. To have kids or not.

I think that this is a topic that well needs discussing.

The average guys dream of having a kid is someone to kick a football around with in the back yard. Well, most guys spend a grand total of 60 seconds to 3 minutes per day with their kids. I think I kicked a football once with my kids, if I remember correctly?

Sure, I was going to be different, EVERYBODY is going to do it "better".

Most guys think their kids will be great. They won't ever have to punish their kids because they'll be well behaved. Ahh, the delusion begins :).

The "best" advice you'll get for raising kids will come from "wanna-be mothers" who don't have kids. NOT! Advice like "just be nice to them", "talk to them like an adult, they'll understand" and "I'd never hit my kids". And the best one of the lot "my kid/s is/are going to be my best friend/s". Other great advice is "ADHD can be solved by eating the right foods". Sure, ever tried giving a kid "the right foods?", it just plain doesn't happen. Don't worry, if those women have kids they'll be hitting them for punishment soon enough, feeding them junk food in no time flat and working flat out to have any form of "conversation" with their kids. A large percentage of conversations will consist of the word "don't" in there somewhere. Nothing beats treating a kid like a kid. How do you spell "love", it's spelt T I M E.

I also think that there's a lot of confusion on this topic.
First of all, here are some reasons people might decide to have kids:
To make her happy
Everybody else is doing it
To make the relationship stronger
Accidental pregnancy
Don't believe in abortion
Parents don't believe in abortion
Get a baby bonus
She desperately wants a kid or another kid
Not thinking about it
Missed a pill
Don't use protection
Bravado, see how much sperm you can spread across the world
Being lonely
Wanting a new friend
It's the right thing to do
The government likes population growth
Someone to take over the family business
Slave power
Religious reasons or beliefs of any description
A clairvoyant or any person predicted it
A girl wants you to take care of another persons kid with her
Adoption
Helping a child in an unfortunate situation
Foster care
And many others

The best reason to have a kid is because both partners plan for it, for balanced and stable reasons.

First of all, unless you definitely are with a woman you trust to be with you in the long term and/or you really truly want to have a family, then I think it's unwise to have children earlier than that.

Secondly, if you don't have time to spend with your kids, then it's also unwise to have children, because their lives will just slip through your fingers before you know what's happened. Working hard to support a family is not a "quality" way of having a family. It's better to make sure you have enough time to be with a family.

I know that abortion is a controversial topic, so I'll keep my comments brief on that point. Statistics show that having abortions doesn't slow down the rate of children in a typical couple. But what it does is offer the child a better quality of life when it's born because the parents can afford it better when they make the decision themselves. Statistics show that having a child later makes it less prone to live a life of crime or violence.

Contraception is another taboo topic, so I'll keep that brief too. It's cheap, and not using it borders on irresponsible. For $15 you can save yourself an awful lot of pain. Saying "I can't afford it"
is ridiculous. Don't expect it to be the woman's responsibility. If she isn't following her daily pill EVERY day, then be vigilant and NEVER "let things slide", not even for a single day. The "day after pill" is also controversial, so do your homework on that. You need to understand all of this stuff, ignorance isn't an excuse. It should be a crime to be negligent in this area. Treat it that way.

The joys of having kids is there, but there are a lot of pains as well. I would go so far as to say that the pain outweighs the joys. There will be more pain than joy.

Don't think that having a kid will make a relationship stronger and don't do it just to make her happy.

Don't think that having a second kid will make a relationship stronger if you already have one. I see this happen way too often in couples.

I know way too many women who have "two kids" to "that guy". Every time I hear a struggling couple say "we're having a second kid, it'll make us closer", I think "didn't the first kid do that?" and then I think of all the single women I know with two kids to "that guy". No point saying anything, it just falls on deaf ears.

By the way, I tell lots of people I think they're stupid for having kids for the wrong reasons, but that doesn't stop them. At least they don't hate me for being honest. And inevitably I visit these peoople with their newborns. No hard feelings.

Having a kid doesn't make you bond closer. She'll have all the same hang-ups as before. She won't thank you for it. She won't feel you've done anything "extra" for her. You may feel that "you're a family now" and nothing is stronger than a family. But you have to remember that a LOT of new aggravations will be added to your life. You won't be able to party, to travel as easily, get out, etc. In a sense you become "house bound". In my experience, for every kid you have, you halve your friends. So if you have four kids you'll most likely have no close friends at all. Also, having a kid to have as a "friend" for another kid is ridiculous. It sounds great, but kids fight, that's what they do, so the new "friend" will spend most of the time being the new "enemy". The more kids, the more screaming and yelling you can expect, in every direction. Kids screaming at kids, parents screaming at kids, parents screaming at parents. That's the facts.

It's OK to glide through life without a second thought, and it works for many people, but if you're prepared for things, then you're better equipped to work though any tough times, should they arise.

You'll have those "close" moments, but they'll be less than the aggravating times. Make sure you have a camera to capture them, because they'll slip past you if you don't.

Let's say it's 50/50. 50 percent joy, 50 percent pain. More accurately it's 30% pain, 20% pleasure, 50% neutral. In all honesty, nothing aggravates me more than a screaming kid, and they scream a lot, that means a lot of aggravation. I spent a lot of my time behind closed doors, I can assure you.

Just don't think that simple reasons for having a kid are good, it's a big decision.

Now, I mentioned bonding to your kids, but there is a problem, that 1/3 of women are molested, and usually by someone they know. I don't know if a "bad look" or "bad comment" or "bad touch" counts as molested in those statistics, but the point is that if a man has problems with self control in any regard with any female, then I suggest they do everything humanly possible to curb that. I also suggest that just because of bad statistics that it shouldn't prevent you from being close to your kids.

I would go so far as to say that my biggest regret with my first round of kids was not being close enough to them. My thinking was that I wanted to provide a better life for them by bringing in more income. The second thing was that I wasn't raised in a huggy sort of family (although we were and are a very close family). The third thing was that I didn't want to appear to be too affectionate with my own children, due to stupid statistics like the above. My best advice is that it's best to be as close as you can. The quality of life by communication exceeds anything you can provide financially. The joy of having kids should be the reward within itself without any other ulterior motive.

There's no excuse to ever be forceful in any way with any woman. Also, here's another point, just because a woman gives you consent doesn't make it legal. Trust me, I've heard of every sexual combination you can think of, and just because you both agree doesn't make it OK if it's illegal.

Anyway, having kids can have its wonderful moments and make a relationship stronger, if it's done correctly. But having kids is never an answer in itself.

Any woman who says she doesn't want kids is either lying or going against her biological programming. Some women are smart enough to control that urge (if you really want to get technical, women have to control it nearly all of the time anyway). But I know lots and lots of women (most women in my opinion) whose prime motive is to have kids. Who gives a damned if there's a man, just punch out a baby. That's the prevalent attitude in my opinion. Everything else is social graces and programming, etc. In other words, it isn't about a bond with you, it's about a bond with a baby. Most women want to "buy their own friend" by having a baby. Maybe not consciously, but that's what it amounts to in my observation. Women can be as confused on this topic as men, but either way they want that baby. This doesn't necessarily work out for her the way she planned.

Show a woman a picture of a baby and they "light up". Men "light up" at the sight of a naked woman. Women get "clucky" looking at babies. It's a fact.

Please note that I'm not talking about seduction at all in this newsletter. Because lots of women will want sex without wanting babies, in fact, most women want sex, full stop. It's almost like they're two different issues, although obviously one can lead to the other.

Please don't think that women want sex just to have babies, that's just plain not true. You won't get "points" trying to tell a woman you want babies to have sex with her, that's for sure.

Women aren't necessarily "conniving" in this area either. Women become conniving in this way in a relationship, not one-night-stands, well, not normally anyway, although some women wouldn't mind. But just don't get to "hung up" on the baby thing when it comes to sex, that's all. But don't ignore it either.

Most women who have that baby end up annoyed, frustrated, angry, impatient and spend half their time secretly wishing they didn't have that kid they so desperately wanted. One minute they adore the kid to bits, the next it's just all too much. Of course most women wouldn't trade their kid/s for the world. But it sure ain't a ticket to bliss, happiness and peace, that's for sure.

Also, some women are totally irresponsible, and will push out babies just for the heck of it. Don't let her take responsibility, especially if she's irresponsible, and many women are irresponsible in this way. But more men are irresponsible in this way.

Also, just because the kid she has is annoying the living daylights out of her and she offers jokingly to offer him/her up for sale at a garage sale every so often, that won't stop her from wanting another kid just as desperately as she wanted the first. Yes, stupidity at its best, from a logical perspective, but that's how it works.

Most women would love to have five or so babies. It's totally reckless, but after all, that genetic need to push out babies is how we all get born, isn't it? :).

OK, so, having kids isn't all bad, but be informed, make wise decisions and if you never have kids in your life it isn't necessarily terrible.

And always remember, every kid costs as much as a Ferrari. Own a home, own a kid? Tough decision.

We all were procreated and we all have some desire to procreate, so do it wisely.

If for any reason you're "stuck" with a kid, then make the best of it.

Best of luck with it all.

Mike

Masculine Shift, is it Astrological?

2010-07-31T15:37:00.001-07:00

Apparently there is an astrological correlation with this shift toward
dominant mindset. I generally don't agree with astrology, but it's in
agreement.

I'm going to use this time of flux in my life and momentum toward this
shift into masculine dominance to really make a movement. It's time,
stars or no stars.

Big things.

Transformation

2010-07-31T11:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I felt glimpses of myself being fully empowered, outside of
the accomodation I've been swimming in my whole life. It's a way of
being outside of the complaining, doubtful way of being I've lived in.

And not a shift away from accomodating, I've made a lot of those
shifts. This was a whole different way of being.

I'd go back into my old way, but experiencing that total different way
of being showed me that is the me I am. It's just a matter of practice
now.

And it's radical. I was in the water of accomodation so deep I
couldn't experience another way. Now I know there are lots of people
who never experience the world this way, and I shifted into a whole
new way.

It's not changing from the place you're at it's experiencing a whole
different way of living. I didn't know I needed to make this change, I
asked for a breakthrough and it arrived.

Now it's a matter of training myself to live that breakthrough, of
making those shifts permanent.

Being a PUA vs “Being Yourself”

2010-07-30T08:10:00.001-07:00

I'll come across these posts from guys who are trying to evolve out of their less powerful ways of being and I'll read about this feeling of disconnect between the man's "PUA Persona" and his "real self." The stories go along the lines that the guy feels fake and seems to be good at attracting only low self-esteem women and he wants something more.

As I've gone through my own personal evolution, I'm struck by this disconnect. Clearly, if you are not being authentic, you'll attract inauthentic people in your life. And you really won't be happy, because you're out of alignment, you're basically lying to the world, to women, and possibly yourself.

But I'm struck by this whole notion that there has to be this disconnect. What's keeping these men from embodying their sexiness and attractive traits? Why this need for a fake persona? What if instead the guy embodied the PUA inside him? Is there a fear that women would reject the fully-embodied PUA inside the man, so he creates this mask? Is there a fear of social rejection, that people won't accept his fully evolved self?

In every man there is a "PUA." It goes by a lot of names. And it isn't fake. Are you using the lessons out there to nurture this sexy man inside you, to honor him, or to mislead women?

Just a few thoughts for now…

Deliberate Practice: Speaking and Sly Grin

2010-07-27T21:31:00.001-07:00

I now have hours of Destin and myself in interviews. I'm learning as much about the next steps in our writing endeavor as I am about the next steps in my personal evolution. Hearing my voice – the tone, the speed, the volume, the tempo – next to Destin's is such an opportunity to challenge myself to make some changes in the way I speak, to take it up a notch.

So first I find what it is I want to add to the way I speak, what I want it to sound and feel like. Generally, I want to hear slower, deeper, more relaxed and embodied, and more expressive. Then, because there's a LOT of speaking material to work with, I take parts where I "get" some of those elements, where I'm "hitting the right notes." Interestingly, the decision alone to bring attention to this and make it a practice has created significant shifts in my speaking. The more I find those places where I'm "getting it right," the more I can picture what my "ideal speaking" would sound and feel like.

Sure, I suppose at some level I'm pulling elements from Destin's speaking into my ideal, but actually not that much. What I seek to emulate is the feeling. When I hear him speak, it sounds solid and embodied, like he's being the best Destin. So I'm listening for those places where I'm being the best SPG, not where I'm sounding like me trying to be someone else. I actually like my voice, I just want it to sound full, rich, fully embodied and with full intention.

It's a huge sign of how far I've come that at this point, not only do I not cringe at the sound of my voice on a recording, I can actually listen to myself and appreciate it. So I've gotten past the "I wish I had someone else's voice" stage and really want to give this voice more flavor, more of an edge, more… me.

The other thing I'm working on is a "sly grin" to go with my eye contact. I realize I've been kind of deadpan when I make eye contact, or I break out into "big grin," which is fine and friendly, but isn't sexy. Deadpan can actually be pretty deadly, but it's also intimidating and not inviting. "Sly grin" is a little new for me, a little edgy – in fact, the first day I test-drove it, my face felt a little sore at the end of the day. But I found a couple things. First, like people say, you'll start feeling in your being whatever you put on your face. So wearing a sly grin over time creates its own playful, mischievous, sexy mindset. So it doesn't take as long as you think it will to start embodying a new style of smile. I found the "new smile soreness" lasted about 48 hours until the muscles got used to it.

So training a new facial expression is actually fairly easy to do. Simply holding the expression will generate an emotional connection in your mind, and your muscle memory kicks in pretty quickly. I'd say a week of conscious practice and it'll be natural.

I'll tell you what, though, if you haven't played with the "sly grin," and then you put it into practice… it's deadly. I'm still practicing, but now I start finding myself just naturally making eye contact to a woman and giving a little "naughty boy grin"… MUCH different reactions. I had one where I was in my car and she was crossing the street, she was kind of looking like the day had got to her a bit, we locked eyes, I flashed the grin and she just BEAMED, straightened up. I watched her instantly transform from "kind of cute" to "sexy" from just that little connection. Even her walk changed into a woman who felt sexy again.

THAT'S what it's really about for me, not nailing every woman, but bringing that sexiness into the world, to make everybody's world a little brighter… and yah, some women's worlds a LOT brighter, and mine too… but just that little thing, made a real difference.

Breathing Practice: Recommended Website

2010-07-25T18:56:00.001-07:00

I finally checked out a recommended web site for… breathing!

The site is: www.doasone.com

And it's cool! It's great for keeping a deep, rhythmic breath. There are different practices you can do, have it in the background either on your speakers or with your headphones, and breathe away.

A great enhancement for meditation and just practicing deep belly breathing. I recommend trying it for at least ten minutes a day. See what you think.

Something shifted... I'm being pursued

2010-07-24T16:15:00.001-07:00

I wrote earlier about how I feel I've made a big shift. Since then
I've had all these invitations to pursue a whole new lifestyle, new
people come into my life, and women coming out of the woodwork. I'm
not "on the market," and haven't done shit as far as making myself
available, they seem to just be showing up.

I'm now also being pursued by potential employers and business
opportunities. It's... Very different. And it feels like the beginning
of the new era.

In this case, it's nothing internal, except that my internal
intentions have shifted, as I detailed, and as soon as they did... Law
of Attraction... The external aligns with the internal.

I spent soooo long banging my head against the wall with Magnetic
Mindstet, Law ofAttraction, etc, but in essence they were right, it
just took a lot to start releasing and creating new intentions and,by
extention, a new reality.

So my advice? Keep sticking with the work and start from within.

Why Worry??

2010-07-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it takes a while for me to get the fucking point of life's
lesssons. Here I am worrying because I got fired from some life-
sucking job, worrying what my wife thinks, when's she's the one who
should be supporting me in my hour of need, instead of calling my
purpose a "pipe dream," and it just now dawns on me:

My life is fucking amazing!!

I'm getting my world rocked in a while new way with this book project
with Destin Gerek, my book is almost ready to come out, I'm growing by
leaps and bounds, meeting incredible people, on my purpose, facing
every fear I've ever held with solidness...

Life is fucking awesome!!

Yes I'm a little broke, but this phase will pass. Wife let me down,
but I've never been more ready to stand up and do what's right for me.

Two beautiful kids, life of adventure... It's a great life!!

Seriously, I'm sitting on a goldmine worrying about... Junk!

“Super-Breakthroughs” with the Erotic Rockstar

2010-07-21T10:11:00.001-07:00

As you know, my coaching sessions with Destin Gerek, aka "The Erotic Rockstar," finished a while ago. Now my relationship with him has evolved into a partnership as we work to bring his mind-blowing message out into the world in a way that does him justice.

And as a result, my real life shift has just begun.

This has been educational, challenging, mind and heart opening and prompted all kinds of shifts and inquiries in the rest of my life. That's the great thing about working with someone who is at that level, it challenges me to rise up and to stop BS-ing myself about things.

It also inspires me to finish up with my own writing endeavor and get that out to market, soon. And it has me thinking about the "next step." Okay, the book I'm bringing out is teachings from me now. How have I integrated them? How have I not integrated them? And what is the next phase, where will my evolution go from here?

At this point, this process has led to a lot of questions and releases, but few answers. That is also a process of the situation I'm in – lost a job, challenges with wife, challenges with older son, serious questions about where I really want to be and how I want to be living. And I'm welcoming this state of being, instead of avoiding it. This is where I need to be now, sitting in the fire, getting rid of BS, being brutally honest with myself, challenging myself, really being myself.

I've even envisioned a new "Inner Erotic Rockstar," a "Dark Knight 2.0," to guide me through this time of challenge and opportunity. And I've found a new level of humility, that there's still a LOT to learn. And the confidence that I will learn, embody and master those things.

The Notes You Don’t Play

2010-07-19T12:50:00.001-07:00

It's often said that the difference between a good musician and a truly great one is the notes the great musician doesn't play. This is basically the definition of elegance, the ability to make something deep and complicated look simple, to take a tremendous amount of thought and energy and create something that is accessible that doesn't look on its surface like it's complicated.

I was thinking about how this applies to my own evolution, how my greatest advances have come when I stopped trying to "add" something to my way of being, but instead let go of things that weren't really part of who I am. I didn't need a bunch of new material, I actually needed less, a lot less.

When I came to my breakthrough, my life was a mess, it was a pot boiling over. Now, it's… still a mess, but better, because I'm letting go. I'm realizing almost all of my "problems" stem from holding on to things I don't need, or trying to do too much, not from my lacking some "ingredient."

I'm realizing I have all the ingredients I need to be the man I want to be and live the life of my dreams. In fact, I probably have too many ingredients. It's about going through the process of creating that elegant formula to bring out that rockatar in me, which is about getting rid of the "other stuff" covering him up.

I'm still holding on to things way too much, I still try and do too much, I still find my life full of extraneous actions, but it's going in the right direction. The more I let go and stop trying to "do something," the more that greatness shines through. And every time I go through one of these "letting go" experiences, it's the greatest gift.

“Paradigm Shift” Revisited

2010-07-17T10:43:00.001-07:00

I wrote a little about a "romanticized high school" paradigm that has been operating deep in my consciousness. It's one of those things that ran so deep I wasn't aware it was even a paradigm, much less that it was one of many possibilities.

Lately I've been learning about a variety of lifestyles, and through the process realizing that many people go through their lives in entirely different ways than me. This got my mind questioning things. At this point, I was also going through a process of "burning through" my ego, deeply humbling myself and letting go of everything I thought I knew about myself and my reality. This combination of experiences super-charged my inquiry and release process.

And it was in the midst of this process that I heard Taylor Swift's "Fifteen," a song which is a tribute to the romanticized, "small town" view of love, sexuality and social status. I felt a familiar twinge of self-pity, because I felt I had "lost" that game. I wasn't popular in school, according to that pecking order of "what's cool." I wasn't dating in high school, which according to the "romanticized high school paradigm" meant I had failed in some way.

This has been reinforced throughout my life. College was my way of "getting even," where I had some successes, dated the "popular girls" and in effect lived out the old paradigm.

At some point, I began feeling that my life was one big struggle to "succeed" in this paradigm, while feeling a profound uneasiness that came from an inner knowing that this really wasn't my life. But I believed this was "real life," not simply one of many alternatives, so my choices were to "fit in" or "rebel."

My background reinforced this mindset. My parents completely bought into the model. Mom was a cheerleader, Dad was the football player. So I was brainwashed in a big way. People living in a different world were "freaks."

So what happened yesterday was, when I felt that twinge of self-pity, I released on the ego attachment. Then I questioned the whole basis of my feeling bad. And at that point, I realized the whole paradigm was just an invention. I pictured the reality – that school, the perceived social structure, everything is temporary. Nothing is really "there."

Even that romanticized version is not "there." It's a song written by someone, and performed by someone who does NOT live in that reality. All the movies – just fiction.

For a while I pictured what it would be like to be from another country, with a totally different reality, and coming to my school as an exchange student. Seeing myself as an exchange student in my own reality, the "outsider," just exploded it.

In that moment, my past "failures" were just experiences. My concept of "success" and "status" was based on invention, on the writing skills of some person like me typing away somewhere, creating a reality from his or her imagination.

Which means… there is no social structure, there is no status, there is no model. And it means it's time to get on with living my life in my own way, to stop putting others on pedestals or in pigeonholes. And there's a whole fucking LOT about "reality" that I haven't the slightest clue.

…Wow.

Recommendation for Sexual Energy and Release

2010-07-16T12:27:00.001-07:00

Over at Yangtown, they're offering a free ebook that covers a few sexual energy enhancing techniques. The most interesting is the "Deer Exercise." Here's the link:

http://www.yangtown.com/ebooks/revive-your-sex-drive-free-taoist-sexual-energy-techniques-ebook/

They also have a "bonus" ebook that explains EFT and TAT release methods, and I recommend you check them out. I'd never done TAT before, it's a great technique. There's also a cool "Heart Tuning Fork" mp3, which is good for "heart opening" meditations.

I'll have more to say about my own release/ paradigm shift later. It's been quite an experience, going through this latest "burning through" phase. Humbling, empowering and life-altering.

Paradigm Shift, Thanks to... Taylor Swift??

2010-07-16T09:20:00.001-07:00

I just had a major paradigm shift while listening to "Fifteen" which
was playing at the gym while I was working out.

Taylor Swift... Hmm. Guess I'll take my epiphanies wherever they're
coming from.

Basically I've been operating off a romanticized "high school status"
model. Hearing that song brought a little wave of self-pity, but then
this huge opening and realization that my entire model... never
existed. Pure fantasy.

And not only that, the fantasy was holding me back and having me think
less of myself. And I could let it go... And by the time I left the
gym the world looked different to me.

Thanks, Taylor!

Deep in the Fire

2010-07-15T11:31:00.001-07:00

Another challenging evening, more questions, more testing of my path and choices. Another night of little sleep and lots of doubt.

I'm releasing the ego. Everywhere I feel that tinge of self-pity, that's ego to release; everywhere I'm feeling validation, that's ego to release.

And where I let go of the ego, I can humble myself and bring in a new model. This is about a deep transformation, deeper than I ever imagined. There's a reason "Dark Knight" only gave me a glimpse of the other side, seeing the entire picture may have overwhelmed me. Maybe I would turn away from the fire.

I'm not turning away. I'm sitting in it. It sucks. And it's working.

I'm questioning everything – every thought, feeling, doubt, wish, everything. I'm feeling sadness for the burning away, feeling that attachment to who I was being. I'm realizing these attachments are wrong. Even my relation to things I want in my life is changing. And as I burn through the ego, release and accept the new way, I feel my heart opening.

And I'm committed to going through this fire, not escaping, not going off on a tangent, being here, letting it happen, burning in it.

Humbling Myself, Burning Through the Ego, Opening Myself to Learning

2010-07-14T12:09:00.001-07:00

Some random thoughts as I continue to burn away my ego:

I find that I have a resistance to learning that goes beyond ego. There is a component that is ego-driven, the "I want to be good at something" desire. Ironically, it's this desire that gets in the way of my humbling myself so I can actually LEARN and APPLY the things that would make me "good at something." But there's another part – a belief that "learning something" is a lot of work, stressful, and not fun. Some of that comes from the way my father approached things when I had to "learn something." Good lord, it's tedious even describing what I went through. "Mind-numbing" would be an understatement.

And that belief has carried over into everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. Even in sex, I've drilled down and found that I have resistance to learning techniques for "opening up" a woman because it feels like I'm back at home, learning something painfully tedious from Dad.

As I release on this, I can humble myself further and learn more, which results in more growth and more… fun and satisfaction in life.

More to follow…

Update: “Going Through the Fire”

2010-07-13T22:15:00.001-07:00

The past week has been one of some amazing things happening internally for me. I'm excited to share my experiences, and I hope they make sense to you.

Since I've been… "between jobs," I've been experiencing some dramatic things. With the oppressive weight of the past employer off my back, I have found myself catapulting into new territory at a mind-bending rate. I realize all the work I was doing with Destin, all the changes I made, was with one hand tied behind my back with that job. Or maybe I needed to get to a certain level to handle the loss of the job and experience this next phase. At any rate, it's been dramatic.

At the same time, I've dealt with all these doubts – of course the money issue is one, and finding another job. I've also had doubts about whether my book could make it, whether I'd be able to see through with this opportunity to write and move into a new phase of my life, even whether I was every really going to be the reality of being an "erotic rockstar" was something that would really happen for me. I've been doubting my marriage since before this, but this phase in my life has led me to more questions - namely is my wife enhancing my purpose, or is she holding me back, like my former employer, in ways I haven't even been aware of.

Then around the middle of last week, I woke up in the middle of the night, came out to the couch and meditated. After a few minutes, "Dark Knight," my inner erotic rockstar whom I haven't seen in weeks, came in a vision. This time he was in the middle of a beautiful, modern kitchen. Out the window was a patio and I could make out part of a swimming pool. He looked more relaxed, younger, and full of energy. He also had a couple very attractive women with him.

He told me I was doing great, that I was in the middle of some incredible changes that would rock my world forever, and on the other side was something magical, something I could only glimpse now, it's too far beyond my ability to see for me in the moment. He said it's mine – this is all mine. My dream, my living my purpose, my rockstar life. I told him I couldn't see myself ever being wealthy and he said "this is yours!" That this wealthy lifestyle would be mine – "free from the old career, free from the wife, free from all the naysayers and deadwood, and full of amazing people, experiences and, yes, things."

He asked me if I knew why he touched me right around where my collar bone meets my ribs (top of the chest), my new anchor point for this vision. He then said he had something for me and placed a medallion around my neck. He said to ask for something, I asked for sexual confidence. The medallion turned a bright, glowing purple. He told me to take my hand and press against the medallion, press it into my chest, and as I did, I felt this wave of self-acceptance and flirty playfulness come over me. So then I asked for wealth. He said "dude, you already have that. Make this thing work for you." I said that's not possible, I'm broke as a joke. He said "you're stinking rich, you'll see." I said I could sure use some money now. Then he said "I'll send some money your way," and winked.

He told me to remember the medallion and use it when I wanted "something big to happen now."

He then warned me. "You're going through the fire, so hang tough. You're ready for this, but know it's going to have to burn some things away. And what's on the other side is fucking amazing. Call on me if you need me, I'm really fucking excited about this, man."

Since that evening I've experienced a series of "burning through" experiences, and I know more are coming. I've called up the medallion and had some wild changes.

Last night, I had this dream where a woman told me "you've finally found your real purpose, I'm really proud of you. Congratulations." It sounded like she was about to deliver a "but…" phrase, but I cut her off, said "thanks, that's all I need" and then woke up. One thing that's interesting about this is my sleep has been one of my biggest drains on my energy – that's when all the doubts come up and I wake up feeling doubtful and needing to release. By the end of the day I'm usually "super amped." I woke up this morning feeling a changed man.

I was running around this morning, found myself in a coffee shop, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I couldn't believe who was staring back at me. I didn't recognize him. But, damn, his gaze was so powerful, so deep, so… wow, that was me?

I remember before I did that mirror check I was driving and this woman was crossing the street, looked straight at me, and kept looking as she was walking, almost turning herself backward. I noticed other looks like this. And during a job interview, I felt the nervousness, but it was more like "oh, I'm nervous," but I was calm and centered at my core. I noticed myself taking things that, in my old days, I may have interpreted as disappointments and saw them as positives. I was "rolling with it." I felt totally different.

I felt a moment last week, after my vision, where I had a sexual experience that led to this total acceptance of my sexuality, and I was on the other side. There was no more identity attachment or ego crisis around sex. I could just be with what is, and be honest with myself, and allow myself to evolve to new levels.

Something's changed. I'm still going through the fire, but the old parts of me are starting to burn away. I'm not directing this change, it's just… happening. On its own, as I want it to. And I can't wait to see where this goes.

Sexy Parenting: Is Being A Parent Sexy to You?

2010-07-12T15:46:00.001-07:00

Being a parent is sexy. You're raising another human being, which is just amazing when you think about it. What else in the world is so meaningful and rewarding? Being a parent teaches you presence in a powerful and very hands-on way. Being a parent is heart-opening. And presence + heart-opening = rockstar in the bedroom. Being a parent grounds you in a sense of purpose and deep perspective that puts all other relationships in a different light. It's uplifting, soul-expanding and powerfully humbling.

And let's face it, if you're a parent, you're obviously sexual, or you wouldn't be here. So you've got that going for you, too.

It's saddening, but not surprising, that many "sexy people" see parenting as a sexual downer, as an emasculator, as "un-sexy." For a lot of people, it seems parenting is the alternative to sexuality. And a lot of other parents have bought into that mindset, hiding the parenting aspect of themselves from others so they don't seem "non-sexual" or worse, a "turn-off." I've seen single guys who hide the car seat when they go on dates (I WAS that guy at one point in my life). I've seen mothers hide their motherhood from dates, believing men will run away. And I've seen far too many married couples with children put their sexuality in the "to do later" pile, or give up entirely. Sadly, I've seen the tragedy of relationships where only one of the couples gave up while the other either plays along while living a double life, or just bails.

Being a parent and being sexy are compatible, not exclusive! With a sexy mindset, being a parent can enhance your sexuality, but you have to first create the right mindset. So how can you create the mindset of a sexy parent? I'll go briefly into the steps to being a sexy parent.

Toss out the bullshit "sex-is-for-procreation" belief. Yes, I know, that's how it worked – you had sex, you had a kid - but I'm going to assume if you're interested in what I'm saying, you're interested in a sexuality that is at least a tad broader than just "making babies." So you need to accept what is right for you – that sex is awesome, and a very, very good thing. Find ways to release whatever guilt you have around sex being "wrong" and love your sexual desire.

(This applies to every sexual person, not just those with children) completely love and accept your sexy self. Honor the sex god or goddess in you. When you look in the mirror, see yourself as sexy. Tell yourself you're sexy, even if you don't believe it. Find that part of you that loves sex and really love that part of yourself.

Be fucking proud of being a parent, even though you're not perfect. This is a big one, and I believe the single biggest reason so many parents lose their sex drive. Parenting is nerve-wracking, frustrating, at times discouraging and very humbling. You're going to endure things from your kids you never thought you'd allow yourself to endure. And at times, your partner is going to be… less than supportive. (If that becomes a problem, you need to get that straightened out, and fast.) You're going to doubt yourself, especially when you meet the neighborhood Martha Stewart or the equally annoying and depressing "Father of the Year Guy." Remember, nobody's perfect, and even "those parents" have their problems. This isn't a contest, so when you feel your ego getting in the way, that's the time to let go, meditate, and remind yourself that you're a fucking awesome parent. Hey, the fact that little person made it this far in life means you're doing something right. Seriously, put down the Parenting magazine, stop talking to that bossy know-it-all from the PTA and be good to yourself.

Parenting is certainly the most effective form of attitude adjustment known to man. Yes, your ego got ripped a new asshole by a two-year-old. Maybe that'll inspire you to finally throw that damn thing away. You feel humble, go with it. That's the pathway to true empowerment, and true sexual empowerment. But don't punish yourself. Your parenting is your source of strength and inspiration. You're successfully bringing a human life through the world – next to that, everything else is easy.

Take time to celebrate your sexuality – alone. I know, a lot of dads will read that, roll their eyes and think I'm saying "give in to the reality you'll never have sex again." I'm so NOT saying that. Look, I LEFT a woman who gave up on her sexuality after our son was born. I'm the very last person that'll ask you to "give in" to a second-rate life. What I am saying is take control of your sexuality. Take time every week, at least twice a week, and spend 45 minutes pleasuring yourself, not just to get off, but to explore what feels good. No porn, no fantasies, just you thoroughly enjoying yourself. Women will take to this idea a lot more readily than men, but while guys will struggle to embrace masturbation as something other than "jacking off" with an orgasm as the goal, women will cheat on doing the exercises and cut back on the time.

Most guys are pretty good about being able to put aside their family commitments and make time for themselves, and I applaud that. The problem men have is in embracing the concept of masturbation as a form of "taking time for themselves." Women, on the other hand, feel guilty for taking the time. So ladies, your edge is making your sexuality a priority. Trust me when I tell you, a sexually empowered woman is GREAT for the family, while a sexually repressed or frustrated woman… is a ticking time bomb. So take the time to pleasure yourself – all of it.

Develop your sexual energy. Learn to move your sexual energy. Take up practices like Tantra that teach you to move sexual energy in moments that are "non-sexual." Keep your sexual engine running all day long.

Practice mental foreplay. It's easy to fall into the "Barney trap" of baby-talk and "kiddie things," but keep a part of your mind on what you'd like to do as a grown-up, with your partner, when the kids aren't around. Let your partner know. If you're a single parent, let your dates know. Or think about your next date with yourself. Keep exercising that part of your mind, expanding that creativity.

Be sexy. Dress sexy. Think sexy. Talk sexy. Walk sexy. Feel sexy. Honor the sex god or goddess inside you. Honor the sex god or goddess in your partner. Take all those awesome qualities that come from being a parent – presence, patience, heart-opening love – and bring those qualities with you into the bedroom. Bring them into your own sexual exploration, and into those moments with your partner. Tell yourself you're sexy, make it a priority.

Sexy Parenting

2010-07-09T19:03:00.001-07:00

I'm starting a regular article to explore sexual empowerment and parenting. This is the latest product of my personal erotic evolution as a parent. It is also my call for people to see being sexually evolved is compatible with good parenting.

I've personally experienced the crushing, suffocating societal mindset that says parenting means putting aside your sexuality and just accepting a mediocre existence "for the sake of the children." I've seen other parents suffer in that same trap. There are countless parents, men and women, who are suffering needlessly in this constrained, unhappy existence. Some get out, but sometimes with disastrous consequences.

The message I want people to know is that it doesn't have to be like that. You can be sexually evolved and a good parent. I've made my biggest evolution as a married parent. I'm sick of hearing only from lame parenting magazines that see being a parent as some asexual, lame existence. I want to show another way. Everyone deserves to be erotically empowered. Having children doesn't have to change that.

If you want to contribute to the voice of erotically empowered parents, email me your suggestions: spgdiaries@yahoo.com

"Real articles" to follow…

Conscious Practice: Making Everything You Do Deliberate

2010-07-07T06:57:00.001-07:00

Do you know the person you want to be? Are there things you want to be doing, ways you want to be moving, thinking and acting, but instead of doing those things you end up falling into your old habits? Maybe you believe you're stuck with those habits.

You're not going to create new ways of being by focusing your attention on your old patterns. You need to re-train your mind to get used to changing habits.

One way I've found that has helped me to learn to create new habits that I want is making everything I do throughout my day a deliberate act. Instead of going through the day on autopilot, focus attention on what I'm doing right now. Right now, for instance, I'm putting attention on how I'm typing, how I'm resting the laptop, how I'm sitting, how I'm breathing, how my feet are resting on the floor, how I'm looking at the screen, even how I'm blinking and swallowing. How am I feeling in my body right now? What thoughts are going through my head?

By going through my day like this, bringing attention to everything I'm doing, I can decide how I want to do the things I'm doing, and what I want to be doing in the moment. In this way, by taking moments – say, start with a couple minutes at a time throughout the day – and breaking down everything I'm doing into a choice, I'm subtly retraining myself into new habits.

In little ways, without a whole lot of effort, I'm teaching my mind to do things just a little differently. In those moments of making deliberate choice, I ask myself if this is aligned with my evolved self. If not, what is?

It's not about changing my entire life, but bringing awareness, asking questions and making choices. It shakes things up. And it can lead to bigger inquiries.

Some ways to begin this process include:

Noticing how you brush your teeth. Try leaning back a little when you brush your teeth, feel a little tension in the abdomen. It's a good way to activate the abdominal muscles, and it's different.
Find different ways to shower and shave.
Notice how you put your clothes on.
How do you drive to and from work? Police will tell you it's a good idea to use alternate routes for safety reasons, aside from being a deliberate practice.
Throughout your day, notice your breathing and posture. Bring attention to straightening your spine and breathing more slowly and deeply into your belly.
If you buy coffee every morning, go to a different shop, and buy something different. Even how you walk into the shop, stand in line, address the barista, and pay for your drink are opportunities for making a deliberate choice and creating a new habit.
When you're at the gym, focus your full attention on your exercise. Ditch the headphones. Really notice how you're working out, each movement, your breath, your rhythm, how your body feels as you do the exercise. When's the last time you really paid full attention to perfect form?
In the car, how are you sitting? Where are your hands? Where are your eyes? How is your breathing?
At work, how are you sitting? How are you talking to your coworkers? Try placing all your attention on what you're doing and how you're doing it, see what comes up.

Take any moment to keep reminding yourself to be in full awareness of what you're doing and make it a choice. After a little practice, you'll be surprised how much easier it is to change habits and how much more in alignment you'll begin to feel.

Shift into Freedom Around Women

2010-07-04T09:42:00.001-07:00

Today I crossed over into a new feeling around women, around attraction, around stepping into my erotic rockstar.

It started this morning with me doing my workout, stretching and meditation at the beach. It was early, people were starting to arrive, but it was still fairly quiet and peaceful. I've pretty much gotten over the whole anxiety around doing my exercises around other people and in fact mostly crossed over into really enjoying the feeling of being watched while I'm doing these exercises, some of which are kind of… unusual. It's to the point now that working out alone is kind of boring and I can open up and be still in meditation around people as powerfully as when I'm alone.

This morning, after my workout and meditation, I'm walking along the beach. Two attractive women are walking toward me. I've gone through all kinds of shifts as far as how to "handle" this scenario, but this morning, I had this "Zen moment," I let go and welcomed the women into my space, felt their energy, in total peace and acceptance. I felt that same connectedness and energy flow that I feel during sex, just on a smaller scale.

And then I began having that same experience with every woman, free from worrying about how I was being received, or whether she was attractive enough for me to enjoy attraction.

It was an awesome shift into… freedom!

How appropriate. Happy Fourth!

…more to follow.

Really Stepping Into My Erotic Rockstar

2010-07-03T14:43:00.001-07:00

My last post was about my owning of my doubts and fears, and using that experience to move deeper into my erotic identity. After burning through those doubts, I experienced a "power day" yesterday.

A "power day" is a day full of powerful experiences that test me, teach me to step more powerfully into my true identity, and reflect back to me the light my new identity is giving to the world.

It started as most of my days begin, with a self-hypnotic suggestion for the day. I usually get grounded and centered and allow the suggestion to come to me. The suggestion that came forth was "Today I will make a powerful shift into my new erotic rockstar being." That sort of suggestion can seem like wishful thinking or trying to force something if it doesn't come forth organically. As I've gone through this evolution, I've discovered there are times when growth happens. In those times, these sort of suggestions are affirmations, not wishful thinking.

And, damn, what a shift.

The morning began with amazing, mind-blowing, energy-sharing, deeply present lovemaking. And this wasn't a moment I simply stumbled upon by accident, it was a conscious extension of my natural state. It was a continuation of the pattern of these incredible, ever-expanding sexual experiences. The shift was the realization that this is my "normal state." And what a fucking amazing normal state it is! It left me in this awesome daze.

Then there was a series of texts and emails from people I've impacted during my evolution, a reflection of my growth and impact on the world.

Then an afternoon with my son, on a beautiful summer day, enjoying a moment of fun and connection together. Connecting with my son, connecting with these beautiful women around us, just open and in the moment, basking in this "new normal state."

Then I got this email from Destin to check out a couple sites:

http://claimingpower.wordpress.com/

http://www.claimingpower.com

There's a lot of great information here on spirituality and personal transformation, and I'm humbled by how much my discoveries have impacted him.

I kept stepping more and more into this new me.

I got home and I got a notice that my application for unemployment benefits had been rejected. Obviously the news didn't strike me well at first, but I had a sense there was a message in this. A test, an opportunity for release, maybe even a sign of trust from the universe, a prod away from dependence and entitlement, an opportunity to stand taller and step forward.

I allowed all the experiences of the day, along with my growing sense of being my evolved self, to sit with me as I enjoyed an evening with friends, one which had some moments that were opportunities for me to observe habits and ways of being that aren't serving me.

My thought patterns were changing from "angry, frustrated victim" to "man who has choice."

That evening, I also connected with Aaron Nichols on Facebook. He's the one who taught me the "Chakra Swirls" on the Orgasmic Mastery board, and in one of the group phone calls he facilitated. I've been inspired by his perspective on energy and I'm excited that he's going to begin coaching people on energy movement. He's a great guy and I consider this another part of the shift that I asked for.

I woke up today, feeling some of that sense of "these things are not serving me anymore," not anger (well, at first, since I was tired and hung over), but actually a freedom is realizing that I have choice in everything.

And as I integrated yesterday and this morning, I found myself on the beach, in the flow with everything, in my "Dark Knight" self, feeling like this was all too easy. Today I'm integrating that feeling, and releasing on the "too" part, welcoming the growth and successes the same way I've been so courageously welcoming doubt and sadness of late, with the same humility and appreciation.

Big things are happening indeed. Thank you to all of you coming into my life now to make this happen, including the corrupt management at my former employer and the fine folks at the Employment Development Department ;-)

It's all coming together in a magical way.

Facing My Uncertainties – Sitting in the Fire

2010-07-01T14:14:00.001-07:00

I've been working through a lot of feelings of uncertainty lately. New changes and opportunities are emerging for me, and it's bringing up some deep, long-held doubts, old feelings, negative self-talk, a lot of issues.

Instead of suppressing or running from these feelings being brought up by the uncertainty in my current situation, I'm turning and facing them now. At moments it's sucked. I've been going through periods of intense sadness and anxiety, all flavors of doubt. It's been rough. There have been moments where I had feelings that everything I had done this year to evolve was a bunch of BS, that I'm just going to go back to that old, lame, pathetic SPG, that I'll never get anywhere, that I'm a fraud.

I even had feelings that, deep down inside, I'm a bad person and the more I express myself the more it's going to be exposed and I'll be a pariah and all alone in the world.

I faced them all. I sat through the feelings, went into the worst case, burned in it, even went back to the genesis of one of my feelings (the "bad kid" feeling). I owned up to places where I've been falling short – lapses in integrity, ego identification, neediness, fears I'd been denying existed.

I'm still going through this process, but now it's starting to feel enlivening. I'm feeling like I'm starting to knock down these doubts and find a confident humility in the midst of uncertainty. This is the time to shed all the BS and really step into a new way of being. This is the time to go with the change, accept it, and ride the wave of uncertainty to a new destination. It's time to let go of everything, be prepared to lose everything, and allow the changes to happen. This is a window of opportunity, everything feels unsettled and unpredictable. Great! What better place from which to create massive change? Take that chaotic tsunami of uncertainty and surf it – ride this energy as far as it'll go. Yah, that wave's pretty big. It could smash me to bits. But it's here, so…

I could be feeling sorry for what's gone, worried about what I might lose, grasping for what I want… or I could just fucking go for it, and go with it.

Orgasmic Breakthroughs

2010-06-29T09:25:00.001-07:00

I experienced a couple unique and breakthrough orgasmic experiences, one I'll call "conversational energy movement" and the other which was a non-ejaculatory orgasm through energy movement alone, a la Tantric

style.

The first was during sex. I went to sleep pissed with her over a conversation and woke up with her horny and me angry and tired. Even so, I was very present during sex, but the negative vibe inside

was creating pressure for a early finish. Even lately in these sorts of situations (very rare these days) I wouldn't be able to have a non-ejaculatory orgasm.

This time, when the point of no return came, I moved the sexual energy by talking it through. I said "I feel all that amazing energy... running through my body." and it did! And then I could go as long as

we wanted, in total presence. So I talked the energy through, which was cool and pretty sexy, it was a turn-on for her, too.

The other was during erotic self-exploration. Usually to redirect an orgasm I really clamp my PC muscles, but lately I've played with a much lighter pressure and more conscious movement of energy. This time

I decided to try all conscious energy movement and no PC clamp, just believing I could move my orgasms wherever I wanted... And it worked! So I guess those Tantra people who talk about male multiple orgasms by

totally relaxing instead of tensing are right! But even still, I believe the PC clamp is the best bridge to that orgasmic state.

Practicing Acceptance and Appreciation - "The Initial Drop"

2010-06-28T09:15:00.001-07:00

The past few days I've been practicing deeper level of acceptance and appreciation. I've actually been able to feel the emotional sensation of going through acceptance and what it is about this process that makes it so damn hard for us to really practice acceptance, and also the profound benefits of this practice.

I start with something I believe I don't like about my reality. I focus on the feelings around totally accepting that this is the way things are. As I welcome these feelings and the reality of what it is I'm resisting accepting, I feel that "drop" where I go into a deep humility and letting go. At first it feels disempowering and a little helpless. Kind of like the initial part of freefall in skydiving, it's acceleration and a falling feeling.

Much like skydiving, there is eventually a leveling-off period where you're not falling, you're still. You've gone through acceptance and you're okay. In this place, you begin to notice that you actually have more power now. Much like, again, in skydiving, where you can now execute maneuvers and control your flight, you have the power to decide how you deal with the reality, now that you've accepted it.

But the fact remains, there is a period, however brief, where there's a "falling off," a feeling like you're losing a part of yourself, that you're giving up, that you're less of a person for accepting this unpleasant reality. It's the ego letting go. The ego is losing something – control. You, however, are gaining true confidence and inner peace.

This is the point I want to emphasize for those practicing acceptance and appreciation. At first it feels like you're taking the pill of humility, and in a sense you are. Go ahead and do this. That sinking feeling will go away and you're left with this stillness and a true sense of power. And your energy is freed up from having to block this reality.

What's more, as you accept these realities that you've been avoiding, you free up space to accept yourself as you are. You can accept that kid you were in your past that maybe you've been running from (like me), you can accept the pain in your past without owning it, and accept yourself for all the feelings you've felt when experiencing those traumas.

And I've found this cycle can feed off itself. Soon acceptance won't feel like a bitter pill, it feels like an opportunity – "Give me more!"

Beach Musings: Reaching vs Resonance

2010-06-26T12:10:00.001-07:00

When I look outside to seek attention, to fill something inside, I am
left empty. When I feel inside and love what is there, I find I am full.

When I seek to create attraction, it feels awkward, unnatural and
unattractive. When I am drawn toward the attractive man inside, desire
finds me, attraction is like the air I breathe, I am attractive.

When I reach outside to get something, I feel awkward and out of sync
with the world. When I resonate with my essence, I am solid,
powerful. I create resonance in the world.

When I try to be, nothing works. When I allow myself to be, I can do
anything, and it feels like I'm doing nothing.

The essence of evolution is not to try to do the lessons, but to
become the lesson. I am not practicing being. I am creating a habit
of being through un-learning everything.

I Can Heal Myself!

2010-06-23T19:43:00.001-07:00

This is fucking powerful stuff, this power to heal and transform myself. What happened the past few days is just further pushing this power further.

It started Monday when I was listening to David Shade's interview with Allana Pratt. (www.gethertodsayyes.com Worth checking out.) Her energy and philosophy resonated with me in that "here's someone I need to pay attention to" kind of way. She has a passion for helping men reclaim their manhood and find their purpose. She really understands that the way for women to discover truly fulfilling, mind-blowing sex is through men reclaiming their masculine core. She very eloquently articulates the power of a man who has found his purpose, the power of presence in sex and how openhearted connection can create sexual connections that go beyond mind-blowing.

The part that really struck me was when she spoke about how men who are "nice guys" are hiding a wound, and until that wound is healed, a man cannot fully come into his courageous, purposeful being. Her specialty is coaching men to find their younger selves, that point when a woman emasculated him, bring love and acceptance to that younger self and his feelings, heal that wound and become whole. From there, men can find their power and validation from within and step into their true powerful, masculine selves.

And she said this is something men cannot fix on their own… I took that as a challenge.

So when I got home, I accessed that feeling of doubt as a man. Holding onto that feeling, I grounded and visualized myself floating out of my body, above myself. I brought myself back to the point in my life where that original feeling came from and went into the body of that "young me" at that time. It was powerful, I immediately felt the pain of that little boy, the hurt, the confusion.

I think it was something my mom did, undoubtedly well-intended but careless, I don't know exactly what, but I felt the hurt like it just happened. Pretty intense. I welcomed the hurt, as I've learned to do, and kept thanking that part of me. Eventually the hurt disappeared and I asked that part of me what resources he needed. I then had the other parts of me, that have grown and evolved so much, to give this part of me those resources.

I felt that wound heal! Eventually that part went from being a wound to being a source of strength. I connected it with my inner core, and took those resources back up my timeline up to now. It was a *really* intense shift, created this deep confidence and sense of purpose. But I also realized there was more than one of these wounds, so yesterday I found another source of this doubt and fear of women and again healed that wound.

I'm still "pulling weeds" with this process, but the shifts have been REALLY intense. It supercharged my inner core, my movement away from wanting approval of women to thrusting the man in me into the world with passion, and getting my power from within. These shifts have taken my evolution to another level, and this whole process really is an extension of the evolution process I've been going through.

Bottom line, Allana Pratt is right on, and definitely someone worth learning from… and it IS possible for men to heal themselves, if they're ready to really dive into the evolution process.

I really do have the tools to keep changing myself, to keep evolving and growing… forever. And I'm going to get these tools in the hands of many, many other men, who will reclaim their own masculinity, step into their evolved selves… and make a lot of women very, very happy as a result.

Big things are coming.

Inquiry: Can a Toxic Situation Help You Evolve?

2010-06-17T14:24:00.000-07:00

I’ve been out of my toxic work environment for a week now, and my evolution is so EFFORTLESS! In just this week I’ve integrated more than I could have imagined possible before now. The way I’m going through the world, my energy, the way I see myself and feel in my body is all at a higher level.

Wow, I guess that place was more toxic than I thought. I don’t dig the prospect of being broke, but being out from under that stifling, suffocating, dead-energy weight is SUCH a relief! In situations like this, a lot of people feel bad about themselves, I’ve never felt better!

I’m actually wishing this had happened earlier, in my coaching with Destin. It’s funny, I’m the superstar client, but the whole time apparently I had one hand tied behind my back. Everything’s clicking easier into place.

And I’m FINALLY doing justice with the Orgasmic Mastery work, can you believe that?? Actually doing regular 45-minute erotic self-explorations and feeling HUGE shifts in just this little amount of time.

This brings me to a self-inquiry: is it more beneficial to practice self-evolution in a toxic environment, so you’re “battle tested,” or to first rid your life of the big toxins? I can see value in both. If I hadn’t suffered in that work environment during my coaching, I would lack some practice in holding space. On the other hand, I’d have a LOT more experience at playing with flirting and sexuality.

The experiences I’ve had in evolving through conflict have helped strengthen my evolutionary process, but they’ve also come at a price, namely the toll of dealing with conflict and negativity. And now that a huge chunk of oppressive weight is off my shoulders, everything feels SO good!!

So what I feel is my truth in this is that conflict and negativity are not things to work overtime to avoid. I’ve known people who spent all their time avoiding anything that might be negative, and there’s a certain fragility in their makeup. The world has negativity in it, and sometimes we need to engage it to further our journey. Sometimes it finds us, so best to be able to handle it instead of trying desperately to avoid it at all costs.

What I also feel is my truth is we need to make it a practice to proactively eliminate toxic places in our lives as much as possible. If a job, or a friendship, or a relationship, is just bringing nothing but “learning opportunities,” it’s important to remember how many truly awesome, positive things there are in this world, and how little time we have to experience them. Growth opportunities are awesome and are to be treasured, but not at the expense of the joys in life. Just as a plant needs rain, it also needs sunshine, and nighttime, and too little or too much of any of these things are deadly.

It feels great to be back in balance again!

Traumatic Realignments

2010-06-15T12:12:00.000-07:00

I want to talk a little about alignment. When you commit yourself to transforming into the man you truly want to be, you are taking the first step toward aligning yourself with your true inner self.

I've been making amazing progress on this path over the past half-year or so, transforming my personality and way of being. My life has changed a lot, and I'm finally beginning to live my purpose. I'm writing a book, I may be working on another writing project with a big name, I'm making steps to becoming a personal evolution coach.

And yet, there have been parts of my life that have been weighing me down, holding me back, totally out of alignment with my true path. No part of my life has been so painfully out of alignment as my job. I don't want to bore you with details, but the job I was working at while undergoing this transformation was largley getting in the way of my growth, just causing stress and misery. The job was in conflict with my path, my ambitions and my personal values - NOTHING that I was doing in my job was in alignment!

The only plus side of this job was that it delivered a nice paycheck I really wanted.

Well, guess what? Because I didn't take action to recognize the problem and find something that worked for me, the universe took action for me. I put out the intention that, above all else, I desired to be fully aligned with my evolved self.

So now I'm looking for work.

And you know what? This is just what I needed!

In the short time I've been free from that dead weight around my neck, I've felt myself grow in all sorts of ways, so this was meant to be. But I want to be taking this action, not having the action being taken for me.

The lesson here is it's important to be honest with yourself about the areas where things are not in alignment, and take action to align those areas, even if it's inconvenient, even if it seems like you don't have a choice.

This may very well lauch a whole new career for me, but I could have done without the messiness. That's not how I like to be in the world.

More good stuff coming...

I Know Who I Am

2010-06-09T13:57:00.001-07:00

I know who I am.

Finally.

I finished my final session with Destin Gerek. For the past four months, I've been evolving by leaps and bounds, experiencing unbelievable breakthroughs, changing my personality in incredible ways, and finding the tools to continue this evolution on my own, forever. I've connected with my sexual self, which had been compartmentalized and treated with disrespect by me for my life up to now. I got to know this erotic side of me, see how amazing this part of me is, and integrate it into my way of being.

Three weeks ago, I stepped into my ideal self. Three weeks is about how long it takes to integrate a radical shift, and I went through the whole integration process. Then Destin anchored this shift in further in our final session.

Because these shifts have been happening so drastically and so quickly, parts of me are trying to catch up. There's always been part of me that's been hesitant to really rock this new me, a certain disbelief that this change could happen so quickly, an urge to "wait and see."

Aaaahhhh… then today, it clicked. I know who I am. The part of me that's been wanting to "wait and see" is convinced and diving in.

It's not like "I'm done now," it's just the process of the more cautious side of me accepting this awesome new me. I feel SOLID, more grounded than ever. And that giddy "high" is settling into this awesome inner knowing.

I know who I am.

That part of me that's been looking outside for "proof," holding onto doubt, kicking the tires, has made the sale now. I feel this congruence with who I am that I've *never* felt.

I know who I am.

And in the process, I gained some insight into how I change. I've learned to appreciate that part of me that adopts a "wait and see" attitude. There's value in that. This isn't me rejecting the change, it's me test-driving the change and making sure it's right for me. I can't rush that process, only honor it, and I wouldn't want to get rid of that part of me.

The difference between now and the "old me" is I know I've changed. This isn't a temporary thing. I wasn't "backsliding," just investigating, getting to know the new, authentic me. And once that part of me accepted this change, I felt a surge of energy in my heart, a feeling of love that spread all through my body and mind.

So here I am, right after the conclusion of the coaching, "graduating" into my evolved self, much like right after the conclusion of the "Orgasmic Mastery" course I experienced multiple orgasms. Maybe there's something about giving myself a tangible date for changing that offers that little extra "push" to push my evolution over the final hump to success.

Destin Gerek promised to rock my world. He came through. Everything has come together, almost like magic. Now it's time for the "new me" to go out and rock the world.

I've Been Running Away From LOSING!

2010-06-08T16:45:00.001-07:00

No "Truth" today, but some honesty, which hopefully you'll find enlightening.

Lately I've been dealing with… some stress… in my life. I won't go into details, but some of the things I've been dealing with have brought up stress.

And that's a good thing. Now, I treat these moments as an opportunity for growth!

First, I notice the stress showing up in places in my life. In this case, my stress led me to feeling urges for "controlling" behavior. Great. As soon as I notice that happening, first, I stop the unhelpful behavior.

Then, I honor the feeling behind it. This has been my defense mechanism. Not a helpful one – it was put in there when I was a kid – but it's coming from a good place. Through practicing inquiry and presence, I've learned to notice these things and treat them as opportunities for growth, not as "things wrong with me."

I also have learned to give these parts of me the space to TELL me what's going on. That's right, I TALK to these parts of me.

So the first step was to notice what was going on – I was doing "anxious/ controlling" things. I felt out of presence (which feels unnatural now, so I know something's up).

The next step was to talk to that part of me that was exhibiting "anxious/ controlling" behavior. I go into a meditative state, I find that feeling and I thank it for serving me. Then I ask what it wants for me.

It came back, in the voice of a child, that it was "tired of losing all the time." Apparently the uncertainty around the conflicts I was going through had triggered this self-doubt and brought up this defense mechanism. I realized that this was my pattern – I avoided situations where I thought I could "lose," and I controlled my environment to ensure I would "win." I sought out situations where I believed I would be a "big fish in a small pond," because I didn't want to feel that feeling of losing.

So I welcomed in the feeling of "losing," realizing it wasn't all that bad. I felt into my core. Losing wouldn't make me less of a man, like I believed. And it gave me the freedom to "play with the big boys," to screw up and not "get things right," and to pursue my real dreams, instead of living in a small world.

Then I reframed this part of me, giving it an alternative to "protecting me from losing," and welcomed the freedom of being able to… just be, to play the game, to take a few knocks, that it would be okay.

It felt really good, this opening up. Another breakthrough. I released a long-held pattern that was holding me back in a lot of areas of my life. This is what goes on in my life now, I constantly discover things, release, grow, improve. I've got the skills to fix these things on my own, to keep growing.

Being in this place, embodying my "Erotic Rockstar," isn't about being perfect. In fact, it's about letting go of all that need to be perfect right now. The real confidence comes from a knowing that, when things come up that get in the way of my being how I want to be, I can DO SOMETHING about it. I can handle it. I have the tools to keep evolving… forever.